Why Can’t He Get Any Online Dates?
Name: hoplessrmantic | Location: Toronto , ON |Question: What is my biggest dating frustration?
How about not having any luck getting any dates!
I’ve been reading some dating blogs stories both from the authors and from other visitors comments. One thing that always amazes me are the number of dates these people appear to go on in a week. With my track record I’ll be lucky to have two dates in a year let alone four or five dates in a week!
I’m a down to earth easy going guy. I have my passions in life as well as my annoyances just like everyone else. I’ve also been on dating sites for years without much luck in the relationship department.
I have emailed so many women on OKC it boggles my mind why I’m not getting responses. It tells me that I must be doing something seriously wrong but I’m not sure what that could be and neither do any of my close friends (they’ve all gone through my profile and emails sent).
Don’t get me wrong and think I’m the sappy, lonely, needy guy. I really am happy on my own. It’s taken me a while to get here and it took a lot of looking at myself, asking those tough questions.
From all those tough questions the most important thing I did learn is that I have a lot going for me, I’m having fun in my life and that I would like to share life’s experiences with someone.
OK enough of me babbling. If you want to see more of me and get a better feel of who I am, check out my profile on OKC.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hoplessrmanticThanks for your time. |Age: 38
If these bloggers aren’t lying, they’re dating to blog. So they’re simply going out with anyone within reason just so they can have blog fodder. Their blog consists of a series of one off dates, some “hilarity” or drama that ensues and then a breakdown of why the blogger will never see the person again or feels their date wasn’t relationship material or how the man/woman they went out with was a jackbag. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That’s our way of regaining control over what appears to be an uncontrollable situation. Of course, we have all the control we need to make the necessary changes. We just don’t want to. The goal of many bloggers is to entertain and get comments and get liked and stumbled and retweeted. Or to over-analyze minutiae and fixate because obsessing over someone that doesn’t care is better than having no one to obsess over at all. (*raises hand!*) Rarely is the goal to actually have a relationship. We dwell on the past and press on the bruises because it’s the only time we actually feel anything and so people will tell us how “brave” we are by being so “real and honest.” Yet there’s rarely ever any…change. Our blogs are our excuses, our shield. I’ve done it all of this. Hence why I’m 42 and single. Comparing your insides to a blogger’s outsides is not a wise move. In the words of Nietzsche –Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.
Now, as to your profile.
I liked your profile. I thought it had personality and was very positive. Maybe a little over-programmed, though. I’d remove the references to the self-help books. Personally, I find the profiles that are chock full of wisdom and sage advice a little odd and woo woo. (Woo woo means hippie/trippy/a little too “out there.”) I’d also take out the references to how you don’t feel your age. You are what you are. Nothing is going to turn back time. Don’t justify you’re age. You don’t have to. Nobody does.
You come across healthy and emotionally available. And a good portion of the online daters out there..are not. So they’ll read your profile and they’ll find something innocuous about it that renders them unable to date you. But really, and most aren’t even aware of it, they’re intimidated. You’re there. You’re ready. You’re open. They’re not. They don’t want someone who knows what they want and who brings stuff to the table, because they fear they don’t. Online dating provides them with the ability to feign emotional availability. It’s a cover. They go on date after date and tell people that they’re really trying and really open and totally willing to have a relationship. But they’re not. They’re time wasters. How do you spot them? Well,:
- They’ll probably have a disclaimer or two in their profile. They’ll let you know that they’re looking for X and X only.
- They’ll seem ambivalent. They’re trying to sound flexible but really they’re just widening their net and not being too specific because they really don’t know what they want.
- They’ll make some passive aggressive remark about how different they are, usually comparing themselves to the opposite sex and implying they’re somehow better. Chip on their shoulder alert!
- It takes them longer than usual to respond to you and communications lag.
- They don’t really talk to you. They just talk at you. Pimping yourself in a profile is not a bad thing. But someone who is genuinely open to meeting someone is more likely to address the person reading it
Be careful of falling in to the “oversharing” category. I like the Two of Us section on OKCupid, where people fill out various questions that give people an idea of their political,lifestyle and sexual leanings. However, it’s very easy to get caught up in all of that and end up sharing too much, too soon. You want to answer the right questions, the ones that will help you sell yourself to your particular audience. If you’re just looking for sex, then by all means answer the sexual questions. But I would avoid answering too many of the more political or spiritual questions. You might also consider getting rid of the Personality Tests. I don’t know. You don’t want to make it look like you spend too much time on this site or take it too seriously, you know?
Pare down the favorite books/movies/foods section. Honestly, I don’t even read those. You have a brief window of time to engage someone. Don’t lose them over something trivial like your love of sushi or your ideal iPod shuffle.
I agree with the others that you have too many photos of you with other women. I’d crop them out. I’d ditch the one where you have your arm around a woman’s waist all together. (Come on now.) The others are great. You’re outside, you’re with friends or family. You’re showing people you’re not some shut in and have interests other than cruising the internet. There are no cheesy cell phone or lap tops shots. Maybe get rid of the photo of you posing against the building. That one has a high cheese factor.
The other issue is that you are probably shooting out of your league a bit. We all tend to get bitten by that bug. While there is an overage of men and women online who are in no way capable of having a real relationship, there are many that are. You just don’t want them, most likely, or aren’t looking in the right places. If you’re going to use online dating and be successful at it, you have to be more forgiving and not too rigid. Go up a couple years in your age range. Be more willing to contact someone based on their words and not their photos.
I’ll say to you what I said to a woman who wrote in recently. Don’t use online dating to find a relationship. Use it to find a date. Just one date. Base your decision to email someone or respond on whether or not you could see yourself spending an hour or two talking. That’s it. You won’t know if they’re relationship material or know what they’re really looking for until you meet them. Nobody likes to waste their time. I get that. But if you’re really looking for a partner, someone you can spend time with and enjoy, you’re going to have to be willing to “waste” an hour or so here or there.
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ONLINE DATING PROFILE REVIEW TELECLASS – MARCH 24TH
Find out what people REALLY think when they read your online dating profile. Open to all ages!
WHAT YOU’LL LEARN
*Ways to write your intentions clearly and attract the right people.
*More original ways to help you sound like the fun, smart, attractive person you are.
*Techniques to use to stand out and get noticed
*Red flags to look out for so you can avoid frustration and disappointment.
*Keys to picking appropriate usernames.
*What NOT to include in your profile.
*Ways to read between the lines of other profiles so you know who to avoid.
*Photo selection & Review.
MALE MYSTIQUE TELELCLASS – MARCH 16TH
Have you dated one of these men:
The Crash & Burner? You know, the guy who pours it on thick on the first couple dates, starts talking in “we” over cocktails on your first date, that emails you hello and goodnight every day and then…disappears?
The Emotional Vampire? He’s the guy that breaks things off with you, but checks back in regularly inquiring if you’re still seeing someone? He tells you how much he cares for you, wishes he could be the person you want him to be..but yet never actually tries to do so?
OTHER TOPICS DISCUSSED
*Common myths women tell themselves and each other to explain why relationships fail
*What red flags men look for when dating someone new
*How to know if a man is available or looking for a relationship
*Decoding common male behavior
*How to have important conversations with men
Are Men Threatened By A Woman’s Sexual Past?
You have GOT to be kidding me with this. I am not sure how many of the posts you read in
response to the “Plight of the Single Woman”…but I am SURE that at least 90% of the men who posted labeled that woman as a slut…and kicker is, she didn’t even say she slept with all the men she talked about dating at the beginning of the article! Maybe men don’t come out and say this…but when they are ‘anonymous’ and can spew honestly…they will tell you that they do NOT respect a woman who enjoys sex. Unless, they are her ‘first’. haha! – Joy
Right. Because if it’s said on the internet, it must be true. And the most confident and secure of men are the ones sitting at their computers typing away hateful comments. If you’re going to base your opinion of men on anonymous comments on the internet, I feel sorry for you. – Moxie
If you still don’t buy it, then I guess you have to extend the pity to everyone who posts on your blog. Regardless of where the viewpoint is posted, it’s a viewpoint, and they are still part of the dating pool out there. At best, they are a minority. I’m just saying that men are a lot more conservative about sex than many of them would even have us believe. When it comes down to it, SO many of them prefer it if you’ve parked in as few garages as possible. Take a survey of your male posters, seriously. There’s a nice collection of neanderthal viewpoints right here. – Joy
Okay…discuss. Unless a woman plans on telling a man how many “cars” have been in her “garage” I don’t see how this is even an issue. Most men aren’t threatened by a woman’s number. He’s concerned if she speaks of her sexual past in a way that indicates that she’s too emotionally detached, has issues with sex or objectifies or denigrates the men she’s slept with.Not with the fact that she enjoys sex.
If she owns it and doesn’t justify it, it doesn’t bother him. But then how often will a man and a woman go through their list of lovers together? They wouldn’t.
I agree that we like to pretend we are the best and nobody else came before us. But we know that’s not true and we accept it. We just don’t want it throw in our faces.
If a man announced to me that he’d had 50+ lovers, without me asking, I’d wonder why he felt the need to tell me that, and then I’d wonder if he had issues of some kind. Not because of his number, but because he felt the need to let me know about it.
Why Are We So Desperate for a Man’s Approval?
Yet another rebuttal piece to Tracy McMillan’s “Why You’re Not Married” article
My friend B. just forwarded me the link with the note “Go get her!!”
Here are a few of the quotes that made my head explode. (Read the full article here.)
We learned to let men treat us like crap.
No, see..we allowed them to treat us like crap. Therein lies the biggest problem that prevents people – male and female – from finding a healthy relationship if they so choose.: Lack of Accountability. Thriving off of being wounded. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I have horrible taste in men and need to re-evaluate.
Women of my generation are still the second-class citizens of fairy tales: only now, we don’t even have the chivalry or the ever-blooming roses to comfort us in our eternal boredom.
Oh, it’s chivalry we want? I thought it was to be treated as equals? It’s no wonder men haven’t a clue whether they should open a door or walk on the left side of the street…we don’t even know what we want. We want to be treated like equals in the office, and then like delicate little flowers on a date. Have you noticed that men don’t have such inconsistent requests? Men are expected to act the same way at all times. They don’t get to be vulnerable or demure. Lord knows that if a man were to write a woman some sacchariny sweet email in response to her profile, or an apology for behaving badly, she’d run to the internet and post it for the world to see calling the guy a pussy.
Our conversation eventually — and inevitably — led us to the topic of why she never married, and to illustrate the point, she told me a story. “When I was younger,” she said, “I was dating a man who told me: ‘You’re extraordinarily smart, and you’re extraordinarily beautiful. You need a man who is either so strong that he can stand up to you, or so weak that you can walk all over him. I’m just a normal man. I’m not the man for you.'”
Allow me to translate. You’re difficult. Note how he phrased this..by complimenting her first so as to soften the blow. He appealed to her ego. He took the hit. He made this about his supposed weakness, when it had nothing to do with that. In other words…it was a lie. And it’s a lie that some women have been telling themselves for years to help them justify their own behavior.
As I was leaving, she said to me, with a great deal of kindness: “You’re pretty, and you’re smart. It’s a curse. You’ll have a lot of difficulty finding a man.”
Holy Jesus Christ on a Cracker. Yes, men hate pretty, smart women. They abhore them. They all want to find submissive, docile girls. Not true, not by a longshot. Many, MANY men are looking for an equal. A partner. Has any man ever been told the equivalent? Has any man ever heard such a condescending, offensive comment? “Oh Gee, Don, you’re good looking and successful. It’s going to be hard for you to find a gal.” And what makes this worse is that it’s one woman saying it to another woman. I swear, it’s a conspiracy to keep other women single. Plant seeds of doubt in their heads, psych them out, take them out of the race. Or tell them what they want to hear because that’s what they would want to hear, thereby perpetuating this type of nonsense.
For the first time in my life, someone openly acknowledged the dirty dark secret of my generation of women. And that is that all of the qualities we cultivate in ourselves from our first overachieving moments in elementary school to our graduation from the best universities in the nation — confidence in our physical appearance, the ability to support ourselves, our cultured and well-read minds, the sterling pedigree of our schooling, our taste for healthy debate with our peers (both men and women) — actually won’t help us to find an equal partner. What it will do is make an “equal” man feel insecure, and what he will do with that insecurity is label us as “crazy.”
Are you including me in this generation of women of which you speak? Because I’ve never bought in to that crap. Oh wait. I did. It was when I was in my late twenties and early thirties and got dropped like a hot rock at every turn. What the problem here is that some women are offended at the fact that men aren’t impressed by their pedigree. The other problem is how some women cling to these accomplishments and assume, because they’re so impressed with them, that other people should be, too. The real hurdle is overcoming that huge chip that resides on so many women’s shoulders. Men aren’t impressed by words in the same way women aren’t. A guy can talk, talk, talk all day long about where he went to school and how much he knows. I don’t care. Don’t tell me how valuable you are. Show me. Show me what you bring to the table other than a bank account and a piece of paper on your wall. We’ve become far too impressed with qualities that do not matter, the flash, and forgotten about what really matters: substance.
I say to you, why aren’t you telling me that I should be going out to look for the men who wants a woman like me? (They do exist; some of them are my friends.)
Oh. Then why aren’t they either dating you or fixing you up with their friends? That’s what women who believe this should be asking themselves. If you have male friends who constantly tell you what a catch you are, but never seem to know of any single friends, there’s a reason for that. And it’s not that they don’t know any single men. Usually, at least.
Instead of being told I need to medicate my “craziness” to pander to a man’s itty-bitty oh-so-witty ego, I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who is every bit my match, and is not scared off by that. I want a man who appreciates that I enjoy sex. I want a man who loves that I can fire back a sassy comment like Katharine Hepburn on one of her lazy days.
Great. You love The Cock. Who doesn’t? Do you really think men will hold against a woman for enjoying sex? REALLY? And as for this love of “sass”…this was something that came up in a recent workshop we held about writing an effective online dating profile. When the word “sass” was used in one woman’s profile, almost all of the men in the class kind of winced. Sass? Is not as fun as it sounds. Sass usually involves talking to or treating someone sarcastically or disrespectfully. Now, I don’t know about you…but I’m not too eager to date someone who’s always “sassing” me. If a man is turned off by a woman’s “sass” then it’s probably because she’s not being “sassy” she’s being obnoxious. As for the Katherine Hepburn comparison…Hepburn had what I call The Finesse. I am in awe of woman who possess this quality. It’s an ability to convey strength and vulnerability at the same time without ever coming across fragile. For a more recent example, watch The Good Wife on CBS. One of the lead characters, Diane Lockhart, is a 50 something partner in a law firm. Of all the female characters, she’s not only the most self-assured, she’s the most sexy. (Well, Khalinda is pretty smokin’, too.) Diane is portrayed as vibrant, sexual, and strong. She’s no-nonsense, confident of her abilities and she makes no apologies. She doesn’t broadcast or defend her sexual exploits (she’s the only female on the show who consistently has sex) , or feels a need to remind people she’s in charge. She commands respect with her demeanor, and she gets it.
I have a pedigree like an Arabian thoroughbred — double Ivy League degrees in art history, the ability to speak in five languages, a resume full of prestigious jobs in the art world, a history of international travel that even Bruce Chatwin would gape at — and it’s come to the point that if a man doesn’t immediately identify me as crazy, I question if he’s even listening to me when I open my mouth.
He’s not not listening because he thinks a woman with such accomplishments is crazy. He’s not listening because she probably sounds pretentious. And kinda boring.
But it’s clearly not a biological fact that a woman needs to be in a relationship to have a child. A decade from now, I know that I’ll be making a more-than-decent living, and so, assuming I don’t ask a friend to knock me up (hey, best friends make the best lovers, right?), I’ll have plenty of money to pay for in vitro fertilization. I have many, many good friends, five siblings, relatively young parents, and over 20 aunts and uncles who would help me to raise that baby.
I’m not going to knock anyone for wanting to be a single parent. I believe we can do anything we set our mind to. So if someone wants to be a single parent and they have that desire and commitment to it, then they will succeed. What bothers me about this quote is this idea that her large extended family will be around to help. Umm…you do understand that you’d be the primary care giver, right? And that while most people will enjoy watching your child occasionally, they have lives and relationships and families of their own and can’t always make themselves available to you, right? I’m actually pretty shocked at how the author tosses off this comment, as if she’d be giving birth or adopting a dog that sleeps in the corner and requires only to be walked twice a day.
All that I’m trying to say, ladies, is stop trying to frighten me; make me feel empowered. Speak to me like I can make my own decisions, and don’t demean the difficulties I may be having finding a guy who I think is worth my time and energy. Marriage is a rapidly-changing institution. Let’s discuss how it can be molded to fit our rising status, rather than trying to jam ourselves into some outdated ideal.
Can someone please point me in the direction of the articles that have encouraged or suggested that women stay home and lock themselves in the kitchen whilst barefoot and pregnant? Because all I’ve been hearing about lately is how women are comprising more of the work force than men. And I don’t think it’s anybody’s job to make you feel empowered. That’s our own individual job. But that’s what the real issue is today, isn’t it? That so many women are seeking the approval, not the affection, of men? Not just men..other women, too.
We’ve become so focused on proving ourselves, proving our worth, showing everyone what we’ve got, defending our choices….talking talking talking…that we’ve become completely consumed with ourselves. We’ve forgotten that a relationship involves being able to think about someone else. I just said it in today’s earlier post and I’ll say it again….emotional availability. That’s what both men and women want in a partner and in a relationship. They want someone to champion and to support, and who will give that in return.
All this time that women spend justifying their lifestyle choices could be put to more productive use if we just stopped needing the approval of faceless strangers and accepted – truly accepted – who we are and what we’re doing.
Guess What? Men Can Be Steaming Plates of “Crazy,” Too
If a man has a psycho ex (or exes), he either has a taste for crazy women…or he does things that drive
normal women insane. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for you. – Aldonza
“Someone who would do this, make this kind of effort, is pissed off or really, really desperate to hold on to their relationship. Only fear, a need for revenge or anger could fuel such behavior.
If a woman is driven to that, then there’s a really good chance that the man is so messed up and so emotionally abusive that he’s not worth the time.” – Moxie
Your conclusion as to the man’s state of being has no foundation. Sometimes some people are just crazy and invent relationships that never existed or didn’t reach the level they wanted. People who behave this way are obviously very unhappy with their lives and are looking for someone else to blame for this unhappiness. Perhaps Moxie should start a course in how to MOVE ON. I see a big market out there, but then again, these people might be to ignorant to know they need this class.- Bronx Rebel
Okay. Here’s my argument.
I think that there are some men out there who are complete and total catastrophes when it comes to relationships. To be clear…The Crazy can take many forms. Crazy can imply controlling, or manipulative or intentionally insensitive or passive aggressive.
They do things like:
- Invite a woman they are trying to bed over to their apartment. That they share with their girlfriend. Who happens to be home at the time. (No, this did not happen to me.)
- Dates multiple women at the same time, friends them all on Facebook, and let’s them all post their various flirty banter on his Wall for all to see. – Sorry, guys who do this are drama queens. Plain and simple. Don’t give me the “well nobody is forcing these women to check his Wall” argument, either. These guys aren’t clueless. No, this did not happen to me.
- Makes specific plans with a woman, then stands her up, only to turn around and tell her that she never confirmed so he assumed they weren’t meeting up. – Oh, hello there passive aggression. Yes. This happened to me.
- Or..let’s see…I’m going to put something totally random and absolutely hypothetical out there...writes a guest post for your blog about all the value he gets from his relationship with you, expounds on all that you taught him and how he hopes when it ends it ends in a spirit of friendship and understanding, then tells you it wasn’t a “break up” letter…and then kicks your ass to the curb 2 days later in a 1,000 word missive where he must have said 5 different times in 5 different ways how unimportant you were, how he’d never be able to be a real friend to you, and that he just now realized all this and was in denial, but still maintained that he “genuinely, affectionately liked you.” Which was 4 days after you said to him “Hey, I don’t think you’re terribly interested. So let’s talk about that before I agree, at your request, to be patient while you travel all around the country for the next month” and he insisted his intentions were honorable. Side Note: If this were, say, two years ago I probably would have posted his letters and guest post on this blog. I thank God I didn’t. I’ve done it in the past. I did it because I enjoyed the drama and I felt justified when I really wasn’t. I totally asked for what I got in this situation and am far, far too old to have been as stupid as I was. I knew it was a mistake and proceeded any way. Publicly shaming him on a blog won’t change that. When we (or at least I) lash out, it’s usually because we feel so powerless that we just need to take back some semblance of control. Only it really just makes matters worse because it makes us look “crazy.” Or at least ridiculously childish. I promised him I wouldn’t do that. Regardless of how badly I believe (because, as a blogger, my POV is almost always skewed by my emotions) he acted, I’ll hold true to that. We both fucked up. We were both stubborn and cowardly, for different reasons.
We’ve been doing a lot of harshing on the ladies here lately, but I think it’s fair to say that some of you Penii People are uh…difficult.. yourselves. Intentionally so. Some of you. Not the majority, not all. Some. Just like “some” women can be irrational and delusional. We’re just asking that you own it instead of acting above it. I’m sure the argument from some men will be that we never take responsibility for our behavior. Many of us do. Really.
When the situation I mentioned above first happened, I pointed a lot if not all the blame on him. “He humiliated me” I said. One long time commenter corrected me. “No…YOU humiliated you.” And I did. I let someone get the best of me. That’s why I was angry. It wasn’t a broken heart that I suffered. It was a bruised ego. I hate that I’m even still talking about it, as it implies that I’m not fully “over it” and have not “moved on” as Bronx Rebel suggests.
What keeps us from fulling moving on is this need to have our hurt feelings acknowledged in a sincere and genuine way. Not with a blanket statement and sweeping admittance of guilt. We want an itemized list of every mistake. We want to know that you’ve actually thought about this apology and that you’ve truly acknowledged what you did was wrong. But that’s our cross to bear, isn’t it? Because the chances of us ever getting that apology is slim to none. And knowing that and owning it..well…it can drive a person a little mad. But that doesn’t mean the guy is totally absolved of any wrong doing.
I was talking with a friend recently. He’s a man I’ve occasionally gotten together with for sex in the past. The last time was several years ago. Maybe 3. Every once in a while he’ll shoot an email to me to say hello. And by “hello” I mean “hey, wanna f—?” I’ve turned him down multiple times, he still tries, and usually it just dissolves in to a conversation about our respective lives and we catch up. We got in to a conversation about how we managed to avoid any drama or conflict. (He actually agreed to let me interview him for a podcast. Stay tuned on that.) He gave me the same answer Tad gave me when I asked him.
“I don’t lie to you and don’t pretend this is something it isn’t.”
It really is that simple, guys. If a woman can carry on casual relationships with men without getting attached or maintain non-combative relationships with exes, then it stands to reason that she’s not totally high maintenance, needy or cloying. Only when certain triggers are tripped does she go “nuts.” Sometimes you bring that out in us. It’s our job to know what our triggers are exist, of course. But there are some people – men and women – out there who just get off on pushing people’s buttons. Sometimes they’re aware of it. Most time they’re not. Or are “in denial.” Whatever the reason…just like we need to know what our triggers are…you need to know and admit that you’re tripping them.
I do not disagree with Bronx Rebel in that sometimes women invent relationships that do not exist. I agree. We try to bang the square peg in to the round hole and then blame the man for our hurt feelings. I understand. But there are some men that want women to do that. That’s all I’m asking you to acknowledge. Sometimes a guy does or says things to intentionally encourage a woman to think that whatever they have going on is more than it is so that he can have more control over her. Doing that implies an intimacy that does not exist. It’s a trick. And it’s intentional.
Maybe the more accurate theory is that we all have our issues and just need to find people who are accommodating of or compatible with our crazy. Someone who pushes our buttons in a good way and encourages us to look within and examine our own issues. (Which, I guess, my situation did do for me. So it wasn’t a total loss. )
POST SCRIPT: I tried to write this so many times without getting personal and I couldn’t. I did the best I could here. To coin an excellent phrase, “this is me more raw and self-aware than I’ve ever allowed myself to be where you’re concerned, and I actually hate myself for it.”
Sometimes Honesty Is Actually an Insult
Here’s the scenario:
Person A goes out with Person B. At the end of the night, Person A tells Person B that they’re just looking for something 
casual and would like to have sex with Person B.
What people need to realize is that saying “I just want sex” is not honest, it’s lazy. Seduction requires effort and motivation. They’re putting NO effort into it. That implies that they simply don’t care about the outcome. That “honesty” is also counterproductive so you could even deduce that they WANT the person to say no and is looking – consciously or unconsciously – for a way out. I’m more sexually aggressive with women when I don’t care about the outcome. That often ironically results in “success” because some women are turned on by the confidence. Then, when a woman comes along that you like, you tiptoe around her and she thinks you’re a weakling douche. Law of nature, I think. You can totally understand it and still not be able to do anything about it. – Stu
Is this kind of honesty refreshing..or is it insulting?
Is He Down About Not Getting It Up?
Name: Was It Me? | | Location: New York, NY |Question: I’ve had three dates with a man I
met online. He’s 44. On the third date we went back to his place after a late dinner. By the time we got back to his place it was almost 1am. This was the first night things actually went beyond make out sessions at my door. When we took things to the bedroom, he was unable to get an erection. I gave it my best effort but he just was not responding. Nothing. I asked him if he was okay and if it was me. He said it wasn’t. We spent a few more hours together and then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been almost a week. Was it me? Was he just not attracted to me?
|Age: 37
First, consider the possibility that his erectile issue and not calling you might be mutually exclusive. One might not have anything to do with the other.
Next, while there’s a possibility that he just wasn’t attracted to you, if there was no reaction at all – meaning he couldn’t get marginally hard – then it’s more likely that the issue was psychological or physiological. Many men have sex with women they aren’t at all attracted to and manage to get erect. The sensation of being touched or stroked alone should cause most men to get at least somewhat aroused, regardless of how attracted they are to the woman. They could stroke and touch themselves to “chub up” (I hate that phrase) just so they don’t get embarrassed.
Late night, big work project. Not only was he probably exhausted, but also stressed out. Those two factors could explain A LOT.
Yes, it’s possible he’s not calling because of this incident. But only because he’s embarrassed. So why not call him? Act like nothing happened. Don’t bring it up. Don’t try to “talk about it.” If you two were more serious and knew each other better you could have that conversation. Right now, he’s too vulnerable. He’s already in his head. So maybe let the physical stuff take a back seat for a date or two. Just until his work project is done and he’s less tired or stressed out.
Now, if things continue along this path, and he shows signs of persistent erectile dysfunction, you’re going to have to address it. Is it an ideal situation? No, especially if sex is important to you. Is it a manageable one? Sure. But that depends on how much you like someone. These sort of issues, as well as various other medical issues, are more common as we get older. If you were going through menopause and your sex drive was all over the place or, as it can happen, non-existent…would you want to be treated as if you weren’t a fully functioning potential partner?
I’m not downplaying the importance of sex in a relationship. But when it’s the main focus I wonder why. Great sex can make up for a lot of things. But for how long? And what do you do when it’s not a go to option anymore? That’s what I wonder when I hear people go on and on about how important sex is to them. Sometimes I think the ones who dwell on it the most and make it sooo important do so because it’s all they have, all they can offer, or all they’re capable of having.
Like I said above, great sex can compensate for a lot, but if you’re emotionally crippled or otherwise unbearable to be around, even being a great lay won’t help you. You’ll still get dumped like a hot rock in a shirt period of time. If you find that happening to you, maybe it’s time to focus on your interpersonal skills and emotional availability.
Would You Tell a Woman Her Man Is Cheating?
Originally posted January, 2009 – 35 comments
Name: Stacey | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie,
I need your advice. I met this guy at a party about six weeks ago and was smitten by his charm, his looks. At the end of our conversation he offered me his phone number and told me to call him some time. I did call, two weeks later, right before Christmas. He told me he was planning on going to Germany for the holidays and through New Year’s but he could see me the night before he left. We met up and had a wonderful date- we had drinks and then I had been planning on going to a friend’s party and he insisted on coming along, not wanting the date to end. I felt amazing chemistry towards him and our good night kiss outside my apartment was very passionate. He was away for two weeks and called me two days after he returned. I happened to be moving to a new apartment that weekend and he offered to help me move. He was great-carried everything heavy, was very patient. My family was helping me too- and he was very nice to them, and we all had dinner together. After the move, he has been calling me daily, emailing, he said he wanted to meet more of my friends, and we had another great date. He wanted to make the relationship more physical, but I told him that I wasn’t ready for that yet as we had only had several dates. He told me that he had just gotten out of a four year relationship in October, that he had ended because the spark had been lost, and that he was willing to wait. I was worried that another relationship might be a little soon for him but I have been really looking forward to things progressing. Yesterday, I receive this email from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize:
“I’m sorry, this is not my normal style at all, as well as it has never been my style to read other people’s e-mails. I just think you deserve this warning as I wish I had have it myself. You are right now flirting with my “boyfriend”, who, as he told me 2 days ago, is in a committed relationship with me. I live in Germany where I met him last May. We had an affair since he was still together with his old girlfriend. He told me how we would fit so much better to each other. How he was bored by her since she is “stupid”. Yet, when he returned he tried to keep the old relationship going but invited me regardless to NY. Being rather naive I didn’t see it as a flaw of character but more as pity with his old girlfriend and a sign of a good heart. After all he is charming and one would believe him a lot. We started going out officially in November. He promised me that all mess that had happened before is finally over and that from that time on he will be with me. We saw each other since then. In fact he returned from Germany 1 1/2 weeks ago, sending me his vacation schedule so we could plan our next meeting and telling me how much he misses me. I booked a flight for March. Yet some of his reactions made me suspicious as he didn’t react when I send him the flight dates. I went through a lot with him and became very sensitive to his behavior. Since he had given me a password for his computer which, as he told me freely, he uses as well for other accounts I took a step that I never thought I would take and looked in his e-mail account. And as you can imagine it shocked me, seeing what he wrote to you about half an hour after he had told me that we are in a committed relationship that my fears are just due to distance and that they will stay until we are finally together. Today he called me again and just a little later he wrote another e-mail to you. Things are over for me, I already forgave him far to much. You should of course decide yourself what you want to do. Maybe you are better off with him who knows. Just be careful and don’t be blinded by his charm. Again I’m sorry for bothering you.” I was shocked, and forwarded the message to his account without any comment. He called me last night but I didn’t pick up. What is your advice? |Age: 24
At the very least, you owe him the opportunity to explain himself. You have NO idea who’s telling the truth here. Given that this woman took it upon herself to hack into his email account for no other reason than..well, I still can’t glean what her reason is…there’s a good possibility she’s just really young and doesn’t have much relationship experience. There’s really nothing else I can say here other than to trust your own instincts, as they rarely will fail you. You just have to pay close attention to them and not let your own “stuff” get in the way of how you interpret them.
Make note of something……….she never mentions this guy by name. In a situation like this, where someone is supposedly talking about someone with whom the have a personal or intimate relationship, they’d refer to them by their first name. We’ll be sponsoring a Statement Analysis class with LifeLabsNY in April. If you live in NYC, I highly recommend you take this course. You’ll learn some great tips for deciphering and detecting deception in others.
If I’m reading her e-mail right, he was with his 4 year girlfriend until this past October. From May to October he was in some form of a “relationship” with Germany girl. But how many times did he actually see this girl? What is UP with these women who get so attached to guy whom they barely see???? He and Germany Girl “officially” started dating in November while he was still here in NYC. He saw her again in December. Right around the time he met you. And then when she sent him her flight schedule, around this time, suddenly he wasn’t as responsive? Is this all correct? Okay. This might shock a few of you but..,…..give this guy a chance. Here’s why.
This girl was not his girlfriend. That may be what she thought, but that doesn’t mean that’s what he said. You don’t know how proactive he was in inviting her to NYC to see him. He may have said in passing “you should come to NYC” and she took that and ran with it. You know what she’s telling you. That’s it. She blows her whole argument by admitting to breaking into his e-mail account. She immediately becomes suspect and less than rational. Yes, it appears he may have cheated on his girlfriend. But again, this woman’s letter doesn’t say that she and he actually crossed that physical line. Given that she lives in a whole other continent, it’s totally possible that they only struck up some kind of e-mail relationship after flirting in person. Wouldn’t be the first guy in a committed relationship to flirt via e-mail as a way to deal with an unsatisfying relationship, would he? Something is up with her letter. I think she wants you to think they’re more serious than they are or more than he’s ever admitted to her to being.
Sounds to me like once he met you, he lost interest in this girl in Germany. He either struck up some kind of flirty relationship with her via e-mail after meeting her in May, then maybe finally consummated things in November after he broke up with his NYC girlfriend, and she’s the one who thinks they are boyfriend and girlfriend when they possibly aren’t. Sure, maybe he’s letting her think whatever she wants. But this guy never took her seriously. THAT’S why she’s contacting you. She’s angry. At him and at herself. This isn’t about her wanting to “warn” you. That’s a crock. That’s an excuse women tell themselves to justify their actions and avoid asking themself why they got attached when the guy never gave them a reason to get attached to begin with. She was someone to hang out with when he was over there. She was the excuse he needed to finally get out of his relationship. Shame on her for thinking she’d be any different from his last girlfriend.
You have no idea if he ever cheated on her or his last girlfriend. You just have the accusations of a woman who hacked into someone’s e-mail account after being willing to hang around waiting for some guy in America to leave his girlfriend. She’s hardly what I’d call a solid character witness.
Hear him out. Maybe he is a cheat. In which case, you know what you have to do. But maybe he’s not.
EDITED TO ADD FEBRUARY 2011
I’ve said numerous times how much I dislike the whole contacting the other woman or girlfriend thing. The real problem I have with Germany Girl’s letter is that she expresses no remorse for engaging a man she knew was in a relationship. Listen, I’ve done it. I’ve also always been put out to pasture once the guy broke up with his girlfriend. And as much as I wanted to contact the girlfriend and tell her what this guy did and said about her, I didn’t. Mainly because my indignation was disingenuous. I had no problem with the guy’s lack of integrity when he was screwing me. So now I’m going to act all righteous and offended? Uh, no. Even if you didn’t know he had a girlfriend and found out after you and he had hooked up, it’s just not your place to play judge and jury. It’s not. There’s always some kind of collateral damage involved with these scenarios. Why cause the unsuspecting girlfriend or ex-girlfriend possible pain? She probably already knows her relationship is over, or is about to be. No need to make it worse. Nor is there a need to dredge up history post-break up, thereby opening up old wounds. Leave the woman alone, let her heal, accept the fact that you either were duped or ignored the warning signs and move on.
I know some women will say they want to know their man is or was cheating. But how many of us would believe some random stranger contacting us out of the blue? Would you really believe someone you don’t know over your partner? And do you want to risk being accused of lying and that possible fall out? Think about the big picture before you make this decision.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I met a guy online who said he was in an open relationship. We did nothing but trade emails. In fact, I told him upfront – and put it in writing – that I had no interest in him other than to write about his experiences with open relationships. I never even gave him my full name. Just first name and email. I received not one but two phone calls to my personal phone number from his girlfriend telling me they were not in an open relationship. (How she got the number I have no idea.) Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Either way, the fact that the woman went to some lengths to get in touch with me scared me enough to blow this guy off. Someone who would do this, make this kind of effort, is pissed off or really, really desperate to hold on to their relationship. Only fear, a need for revenge or anger could fuel such behavior.
If a woman is driven to that, then there’s a really good chance that the man is so messed up and so emotionally abusive that he’s not worth the time.
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When Did We Become So Proud of Being Broken?
My friend from college posted a link to her Facebook Wall yesterday. 
It was a counter point article from CNN written in response to Tracy McMillan’s Huffington Post article “Why You’re Not Married.”
In the rebuttal, CNN columnist details her reasons for why she’s 40 and unmarried.
Maybe you spent your adolescence clashing with a stepfather who didn’t get you emotionally. And maybe the father who did get you had been relegated by the courts, when you were 2 and your parents divorced, to every-other-weekend access. Maybe your first love cheated on you, just around the time a second divorce rolled through your family. So maybe your faith in men and marriage was a little shaken before you teased your hair for the prom.
But that’s nothing some therapy and better hair sense can’t fix, right?
Maybe you were and still are a hopeful (I refuse to say hopeless) romantic who for years held a candle for the one you thought was The One.
And maybe he slipped and called you his soul mate at one point, a statement you caught and remembered. So even after you read the diary he’d left out, oops, learned about the Brazilian woman with amazing eyes, broke up and dated others, you still held out hope for him. You stupidly took the crumbs he tossed you from time to time and thought they had meaning. Finally, you got through your thick noggin that the guy just wasn’t that into you. Hell, he wasn’t even all that nice to you. You learned he wasn’t the one who got away. He was the one who got in the way.
Then, maybe you met the one who was that into you. He loved and respected you like no man had before. And the dog — how could you not fall for the man and his dog? ….maybe he pulled out a ring and asked you to marry him.
Maybe you said yes but then freaked out. … Maybe you were seized by fear. But everyone around you, including your therapist, said they expected nothing less, given your family history. They even said it would be weird if you didn’t freak out. So you were engaged to be married.
But maybe after you moved to a new state and settled into engaged life, you still worried. That fear, that inkling that something was missing or wrong, grew stronger….You didn’t want to quit the race, but at some point you knew with painful clarity there was a hurdle you two couldn’t clear. So maybe, out of your love for him and yourself, you handed back the ring and left.
Maybe, even as you licked those wounds in your pathetic little apartment, you began to appreciate your courage. You learned to trust yourself more. You realized your past didn’t define your future; you did.
Maybe you suddenly lost your father. Being emotionally available for someone else wasn’t something you could even entertain. Now you had an excuse not to date.
But maybe you knew that your dad — not to mention your amazing mom and stepmom, and your now-gentler ex-stepdad — wanted nothing more than for you to love and be loved. So when you were ready, with a fresh start in a new city, you were excited to put yourself out there again.
Maybe you were approaching 40 when you arrived in the South. Maybe you were slapped across the face with the reminder that most people your age are married with children. Maybe you went to a singles event and became convinced you were the oldest one there, so you ducked out early.
But maybe you held onto hope and optimism. You sucked up your pride and whipped up an online dating profile. You found out that men in Belgium, as well as men with odd fetishes and offensively bad grammar and spelling, have a thing for you. You received horrifying — yet hysterical — notes from suitors that made for great Facebook status updates.
Maybe you agreed to go on dates you dreaded because you were determined to have an open mind. Maybe you learned you had good reasons to dread those dates. You wolfed down a nice piece of salmon as one man told you, within the first hour of meeting, that he cheated on his wife, still loves his ex-girlfriend and didn’t go to his own father’s funeral. Maybe you thought you should charge him for therapy.
But maybe you still believe there’s someone great out there for you. You’re ready, you know you have so much to give, and you look forward to meeting him — wherever and whenever that might be.
Hmm. This sounds familiar. Too familiar. This appears to be the growing voice out there, and it’s really alarming to me.
Okay. I’m just gonna ask the question that has been bouncing around my brain since I read this article last night:
When did we become so proud of being broken?
All I hear in this woman’s article (and all over the internet) is a myriad of excuses and sob stories. “See, I was hurt once or twice. But instead of getting my shit together and addressing the issues and the reason why I perpetually dated assholes, I just forged onward and wore my scars like a badge of honor. See, I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m afraid of being hurt because I’ve been hurt. Do you need me to tell you the stories again? Because I will. I’ll tell the same story over and over again every time people start wondering what my deal is or starts questioning why nothing ever seems to work out for me. I’ll use these bad experiences as a shield so nobody will think it’s me. Because it’s not, okay? I’m choosing this life. Society has certain ideas about how I should behave. I’m a rebel! But I’m also quite fragile. So be careful with me. ”
Let me explain what you’re choosing. You’re choosing to be wounded and using it as an excuse. And you know what?
It’s an excuse. It’s a Lifetime movie of the week. Strong, single independent, no nonsense woman who is afraid to love. Attracted to the wrong guys. Never interested in the available ones. How original.
In one breath you proclaim your independence and self-sufficiency. In another you’re saying you have no control over why you do what you do, or why you date who you date. You’re just wired that way. Which is it. Either you’re strong and independent, or you’re this fragile little turtle afraid to poke your head outside of its shell, ruled by her neurosis.
What is the root of this thinking?? Where is it coming from??? I don’t know. Maybe I’m being insensitive here. Maybe I’m just projecting my own remorse for my past mistakes. I know, or at least I’m sure, that I thrived off of playing the victim. But doesn’t that get exhausting? How long can that last?? Who didn’t have a weird relationship with one or both of their parents? Who didn’t date a handful of jerks? Who hasn’t been afraid of being rejected? It just feels like people are holding on to these experiences and using them as both a way to get attention and sympathy as well as an excuse to never open up or give any decent guy a chance. What’s all this really about? What are we really afraid of..and why??
Is it that men fear commitment and women fear…intimacy?
We’re more resilient than this..aren’t we?
I know I’ve been harping on this issue lately. There have been a ton of article highlighting what’s going on with single women out there. Which is why I’ve been writing more of this type of stuff lately.
Is There Really a Lid for Every Pot?
Name: ConfusedinCali | | Location: Burbank , CA |Question: Moxie, I知 confused,
frustrated,and tired of playing this dating game.
When did getting into relationships get so complicated, or have they always been this way? It seems like for some people, finding a long-term mate is relatively simple. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Move in with each other, and at some point get married. Relatively simple.
But where does that leave the rest of us? The ones who just have a hard time coming across anyone who is somewhat decent?
I知 writing this from the perspective of a divorcee who is just confused about all the mixed messages about dating that are thrown out there- you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.
What gives? Are there just outliers in this world who are destined to never be in LTRs and maybe we should just get over it and move on with our lives?
|Age: 33
Well, I think the first adjustment you need to make is to stop looking for a “marriageable” man and simply seek one who is capable of and desiring of a relationship and commitment. The number of men and women who do not believe in marriage is growing. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to meet someone with whom they can settle down or have a long term partnership. They’re just not keen on the institution of marriage itself. It’s not due to a bitterness or cynicism towards love or monogamy or commitment. These people just don’t feel marriage is the only way two people can forge a life together. There are plenty of people to whom marriage is the end goal. I just don’t think they’re as common as they were 10+ years ago.
Now, as to why some people have more luck finding a relationship than others. I think, believe it or not, a lot of it has to do with practice and basic skill. Some people are better at algebra than others. Some people are better at playing an instrument than others. Dating really isn’t so different. If you have the desire, and you have the right attitude, and you’re willing to do the work, anything is achievable. Yes, some people have natural ability. But here’s what I’ve found. Those people with natural ability all share one thing: limitless thinking. They never think they can’t do something.
My uncle was a natural athlete. Any sport, he excelled. His brother, My Dad, had to work at it. He still excelled, but it wasn’t as easy for him. It took him longer and he took more hits. But, eventually, he got there. My Dad is a thinker. He’s cautious. He weighs the pros and cons. He never believed that anything came easy, that you had to work at it. If it came too effortlessly, it wasn’t real or wouldn’t last. My uncle just..did. He never questioned why, he never let those doubts creep in to his head. He just acted. Make note that both men eventually got to the same place. It just took one longer.
Some people approach dating the same way. They don’t over-analyze anything. They don’t question their abilities. They don’t dwell on mistakes. They just..date.
you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.
Well, no. This is where you’re processing things based on your inner narrative. A woman can be independent and self-sufficient and still need someone. By “need”, most people mean be emotional available and be willing to be vulnerable. You’re the one tacking on the “financial or emotional.” In order for people to have a successful relationship, both parties have to be willing to “need” each other. They can’t see that as a sign of weakness. If someone refuses to let someone in, or allow someone to help them, or are afraid to be themselves, then they are going to have a hard time finding a healthy relationship. That’s not about a shortage of men or women. That’s about them and their limited way of thinking. If that’s how you see life, then that’s exactly what you’re going to find. This isn’t about the Law of Attraction or any sort of woo woo type of principle. If you’ve convinced yourself the sky is green, the sky is green to you.
This mentality that “all the good ones are taken” or “there are no decent men/women” is just defeatist propaganda. I honestly think it’s just a way for people to deter others from pursuing a relationship. It’s bullshit. There are plenty of great, healthy, loving, available people out there.
You just don’t want them. For whatever reason. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship. Maybe you’re afraid. Maybe because you’re dead set on a certain type and don’t see yourself with anyone else. I don’t know. But I do know that people nowadays are far too quick to dismiss people and blame society or others as to why they’re single. Sorry, but if someone is constantly struggling, constantly disappointed, constantly griping…the problem is them.And it usually starts with their attitude.
Do I believe there is a lid for every pot? No. Everybody doesn’t get a ribbon. Life just doesn’t work that way. But I think you’re more likely to succeed (without and hard and fast guarantees) if you have the right attitude, are open minded and deal with whatever it is that is holding you back.
(Tangent up ahead.)
Yeah, I know. I’m finger pointing. (Guess which finger I’m wagging right now??) Learn to deal. I feel a need to defend my..what’s that word…community of dating advice people, dating experts and coaches. I’m beyond annoyed with this constant barrage of smarm and self-righteous/phony smugness directed at those of us who do what we do, accusing us of trying to make people feel bad about themselves. One, nobody can make you feel anything. Two, if you’re going to insist over and over that you’re so content being single, then how come you never say you prefer to be single? Why are you constantly on the merry go round that is online dating (other than you just need shit to blog about) ? How come you always qualify your statements with things like “Well, I’d like to be in a relationship but…I won’t settle/lower my standards” etc?(Those standards surely do come in handy, don’t they?) That’s not the same as preferring to be single. If you would rather be in a relationship, and can’t seem to make that happen, then something is getting in the way. Is it wrong to suggest that, since you’re the only common denominator, that maybe the problem is within your control?
You want to talk about negativity fatigue? How about all the stories being filtered out through certain networks and Twitter about people being used and abused, pumped and dumped, lied to, cheated on and generally mistreated? Or about the stories about being judged and sized up by strangers because you’re single and how society is just so terribly threatened by you or how dismissed you are for being single? Or about how everyone you know that is in a relationship or is married is fucking miserable in some regard? Or the ones about how people refuse to settle and who blow off people because, I don’t know, they ordered too much food on a date? Worse, why are you so proud of the fact that nothing ever works out and all you attract is unavailable, abusive assholes? If dating is so taxing, and you’re so thrilled about being single, then stop doing it and stop bitching.
When are we, or anyone, allowed to suggest that maybe the string of frustrations or unhealthy experiences that certain people have are about them? What’s the quota that needs to be hit? How many stories do we have to hear before we’re allowed to suggest that someone be accountable? Or should we just tip toe around you so as to avoid hurting your delicate sensibilities while you regularly lash out at us? If you don’t need us, and have such little disregard for us, then ignore us.
There isn’t some conspiracy out there that was designed to make you feel incomplete. Trust me. It ain’t all about YOU, no matter how badly you wish it were.
In Sickness And In Health
Name: double rainbow | Location: Brooklyn, NY |Question: I was diagnosed with a certain
condition about 4 months ago. It is not life threatening. The medication has various side effects like weakness, mood swings, dizziness and nausea. I started seeing someone about a month and a half ago. I told him when we met that I was diagnosed with this condition. Last week I had a particularly bad week and was feeling ill. He called me to see if I was doing okay and I asked him to come by. He stopped by after work but didn’t stay long, which hurt my feelings. He came over this weekend and I told him that it was important to me that he be more supportive when I’m having an off day. He said he would, but I’m not sure he means it. How do I know he’ll stick around when things get tough if he seems so wishy washy now? |Age: 34
Seeing someone suffer or in pain is not easy. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them. Pain is pain, be it physical, emotional or mental. Some people just don’t like confronting that because it reminds them of their own mortality. It also can make someone feel very powerless. It’s like when an infant is crying and you’re trying to figure out what they want. They can’t tell you what’s going on with them or where it hurts. So you stand there desperately trying to decipher the root of their discomfort and feel like a total failure if it takes you one minute to long. You feel helpless. And nobody likes to feel helpless.
You want someone who will be supportive and sympathetic. The best way to get what you need is to offer it yourself. Tell him that you understand how difficult and unsettling it can be. Explain that you don’t need them to take the pain away, just be there because the pain makes you afraid or nervous. Ask him if there is something about what you’re going through that scares him. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to lose you, or that things won’t work out because of your treatments.
He also could possibly be re-evaluating the situation and trying to determine if this is something he can handle. If there were ever two words in the English language that made men uncomfortable, it’s “mood swings.” 🙂
Or maybe he feels as though you’re expecting too much of him, too soon. He could be uncomfortable with playing nursemaid as he thinks that might imply he’s more obligated than he’s ready to be right now. Which could have nothing to do with your health, BTW. Everyone is allowed to decide if a certain situation is right for them. A month and a half isn’t very long. Depending on the quality of your time together thus far, it might be too soon for you to expect this much from him. It’s great that you were upfront about your condition. But it’s one thing to talk about an illness in the hypothetical. It’s a whole other ball of wax to have to deal with it first hand. No doubt you assured him you would be fine. He believed you. Not just because he wanted to, but maybe because he had to. Nobody likes to acknowledge that they’re mortal. We all know we are. But how many of us sit around and wonder how we’re going to die? We don’t. It’s just too scary. Plus, it’s inevitable. There’s nothing we can do to stop it. Talk about powerless. Dwell on that on a regular basis and you won’t leave your house.
I think you need to give this guy some time to adjust. Talk to him and tell him your concerns. Explain the ins and outs of your condition. Educate him. But…be very aware of whether or not you’re using your condition as a way to get him to care more than he does. Don’t use your health as a way to guilt him in to giving you more attention. He’ll resent you for it. You also don’t want to wonder if he’s sticking around because he worries he’ll look like a heel for leaving you.
...And That's Why You're Single 
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