Are Men Threatened By A Woman’s Sexual Past?

You have GOT to be kidding me with this. I am not sure how many of the posts you read in response to the “Plight of the Single Woman”…but I am SURE that at least 90% of the men who posted labeled that woman as a slut…and kicker is, she didn’t even say she slept with all the men she talked about dating at the beginning of the article! Maybe men don’t come out and say this…but when they are ‘anonymous’ and can spew honestly…they will tell you that they do NOT respect a woman who enjoys sex. Unless, they are her ‘first’. haha! – Joy

Right. Because if it’s said on the internet, it must be true. And the most confident and secure of men are the ones sitting at their computers typing away hateful comments. If you’re going to base your opinion of men on anonymous comments on the internet, I feel sorry for you. – Moxie

If you still don’t buy it, then I guess you have to extend the pity to everyone who posts on your blog. Regardless of where the viewpoint is posted, it’s a viewpoint, and they are still part of the dating pool out there. At best, they are a minority. I’m just saying that men are a lot more conservative about sex than many of them would even have us believe. When it comes down to it, SO many of them prefer it if you’ve parked in as few garages as possible. Take a survey of your male posters, seriously. There’s a nice collection of neanderthal viewpoints right here. – Joy

Okay…discuss. Unless a woman plans on telling a man how many “cars” have been in her “garage” I don’t see how this is even an issue. Most men aren’t threatened by a woman’s number.  He’s concerned if she speaks of her sexual past in a way that indicates that she’s too emotionally detached, has issues with sex or objectifies or denigrates the men she’s slept with.Not with the fact that she enjoys sex.

If she owns it and doesn’t justify it, it doesn’t bother him. But then how often will a man and a woman go through their list of lovers together? They wouldn’t.

I agree that we like to pretend we are the best and nobody else came before us. But we know that’s not true and we accept it. We just don’t want it throw in our faces.

If a man announced to me that he’d had 50+ lovers, without me asking, I’d wonder why he felt the need to tell me that, and then I’d wonder if he had issues of some kind. Not because of his number, but because he felt the need to let me know about it.

Sometimes Honesty Is Actually an Insult

Here’s the scenario:

Person A goes out with Person B. At the end of the night, Person A tells Person B that they’re just looking for something casual and would like to have sex with Person B.

What people need to realize is that saying “I just want sex” is not honest, it’s lazy.  Seduction requires effort and motivation.  They’re putting NO effort into it.  That implies that they simply don’t care about the outcome.  That “honesty” is also counterproductive so you could even deduce that they WANT the person to say no and is looking – consciously or unconsciously – for a way out. I’m more sexually aggressive with women when I don’t care about the outcome.  That often ironically results in “success” because some women are turned on by the confidence.    Then, when a woman comes along that you like, you tiptoe around her and she thinks you’re a weakling douche.  Law of nature, I think.  You can totally understand it and still not be able to do anything about it. – Stu

Is this kind of honesty refreshing..or is it insulting?

Your Thoughts?

 

Is He Down About Not Getting It Up?

Name: Was It Me?  |  | Location: New York, NY |Question: I’ve had three dates with a man I met online. He’s 44. On the third date we went back to his place after a late dinner.  By the time we got back to his place it was almost 1am. This was the first night things actually went beyond make out sessions at my door. When we took things to the bedroom, he was unable to get an erection. I gave it my best effort but he just was not responding. Nothing. I asked him if he was okay and if it was me. He said it wasn’t. We spent a few more hours together and then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been almost a week. Was it me? Was he just not attracted to me?
|Age: 37

 

First, consider the possibility that his erectile issue and not calling you might be mutually exclusive. One might not have anything to do with the other.

Next, while there’s a possibility that he just wasn’t attracted to you, if there was no reaction at all – meaning he couldn’t get marginally hard – then it’s more likely that the issue was psychological or physiological. Many men have sex with women they aren’t at all attracted to and manage to get erect. The sensation of being touched or stroked alone should cause most men to get at least somewhat aroused, regardless of how attracted they are to the woman. They could stroke and touch themselves to “chub up” (I hate that phrase) just so they don’t get embarrassed.

Late night, big work project. Not only was he probably exhausted, but also stressed out. Those two factors could explain A LOT.

Yes, it’s possible he’s not calling because of this incident. But only because he’s embarrassed. So why not call him? Act like nothing happened. Don’t bring it up. Don’t try to “talk about it.” If you two were more serious and knew each other better you could have that conversation. Right now, he’s too vulnerable. He’s already in his head. So maybe let the physical stuff take a back seat for a date or two. Just until his work project is done and he’s less tired or stressed out.

Now, if things continue along this path, and he shows signs of persistent erectile dysfunction, you’re going to have to address it.  Is it an ideal situation? No, especially if sex is important to you. Is it a manageable one? Sure. But that depends on how much you like someone.  These sort of issues, as well as various other medical issues, are more common as we get older. If you were going through menopause and your sex drive was all over the place or, as it can happen, non-existent…would you want to be treated as if you weren’t a fully functioning potential partner?

I’m not downplaying the importance of sex in a relationship. But when it’s the main focus I wonder why. Great sex can make up for a lot of things. But for how long? And what do you do when it’s not a go to option anymore? That’s what I wonder when I hear people go on and on about how important sex is to them. Sometimes I think the ones who dwell on it the most and make it sooo important do so because it’s all they have, all they can offer, or all they’re capable of having.

Like I said above, great sex can compensate for a lot, but if you’re emotionally crippled or otherwise unbearable to be around, even being a great lay won’t help you. You’ll still get dumped like a hot rock in a shirt period of time. If you find that happening to you, maybe it’s time to focus on your interpersonal skills and emotional availability.

 

When Did We Become So Proud of Being Broken?

My friend from college posted a link to her Facebook Wall yesterday.

It was a counter point article from CNN written in response to Tracy McMillan’s Huffington Post article “Why You’re Not Married.”

In the rebuttal, CNN columnist details her reasons for why she’s 40 and unmarried.

Maybe you spent your adolescence clashing with a stepfather who didn’t get you emotionally. And maybe the father who did get you had been relegated by the courts, when you were 2 and your parents divorced, to every-other-weekend access. Maybe your first love cheated on you, just around the time a second divorce rolled through your family. So maybe your faith in men and marriage was a little shaken before you teased your hair for the prom.

But that’s nothing some therapy and better hair sense can’t fix, right?

 

Maybe you were and still are a hopeful (I refuse to say hopeless) romantic who for years held a candle for the one you thought was The One.

And maybe he slipped and called you his soul mate at one point, a statement you caught and remembered. So even after you read the diary he’d left out, oops, learned about the Brazilian woman with amazing eyes, broke up and dated others, you still held out hope for him. You stupidly took the crumbs he tossed you from time to time and thought they had meaning. Finally, you got through your thick noggin that the guy just wasn’t that into you. Hell, he wasn’t even all that nice to you. You learned he wasn’t the one who got away. He was the one who got in the way.

Then, maybe you met the one who was that into you. He loved and respected you like no man had before. And the dog — how could you not fall for the man and his dog? ….maybe he pulled out a ring and asked you to marry him.

Maybe you said yes but then freaked out. … Maybe you were seized by fear. But everyone around you, including your therapist, said they expected nothing less, given your family history. They even said it would be weird if you didn’t freak out. So you were engaged to be married.

But maybe after you moved to a new state and settled into engaged life, you still worried. That fear, that inkling that something was missing or wrong, grew stronger….You didn’t want to quit the race, but at some point you knew with painful clarity there was a hurdle you two couldn’t clear. So maybe, out of your love for him and yourself, you handed back the ring and left.

Maybe, even as you licked those wounds in your pathetic little apartment, you began to appreciate your courage. You learned to trust yourself more. You realized your past didn’t define your future; you did.

Maybe you suddenly lost your father. Being emotionally available for someone else wasn’t something you could even entertain. Now you had an excuse not to date.

But maybe you knew that your dad — not to mention your amazing mom and stepmom, and your now-gentler ex-stepdad — wanted nothing more than for you to love and be loved. So when you were ready, with a fresh start in a new city, you were excited to put yourself out there again.

Maybe you were approaching 40 when you arrived in the South. Maybe you were slapped across the face with the reminder that most people your age are married with children. Maybe you went to a singles event and became convinced you were the oldest one there, so you ducked out early.

But maybe you held onto hope and optimism. You sucked up your pride and whipped up an online dating profile. You found out that men in Belgium, as well as men with odd fetishes and offensively bad grammar and spelling, have a thing for you. You received horrifying — yet hysterical — notes from suitors that made for great Facebook status updates.

Maybe you agreed to go on dates you dreaded because you were determined to have an open mind. Maybe you learned you had good reasons to dread those dates. You wolfed down a nice piece of salmon as one man told you, within the first hour of meeting, that he cheated on his wife, still loves his ex-girlfriend and didn’t go to his own father’s funeral. Maybe you thought you should charge him for therapy.

But maybe you still believe there’s someone great out there for you. You’re ready, you know you have so much to give, and you look forward to meeting him — wherever and whenever that might be.

Read the full article here

 

Hmm. This sounds familiar. Too familiar.  This appears to be the growing voice out there, and it’s really alarming to me.

Okay. I’m just gonna ask the question that has been bouncing around my brain since I read this article last night:

When did we become so proud of being broken?

All I hear in this woman’s article (and all over the internet) is a myriad of excuses and sob stories. “See, I was hurt once or twice. But instead of getting my shit together and addressing the issues and the reason why I perpetually dated assholes, I just forged onward and wore my scars like a badge of honor. See, I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m afraid of being hurt because I’ve been hurt. Do you need me to tell you the stories again? Because I will. I’ll tell the same story over and over again every time people start wondering what my deal is or starts questioning why nothing ever seems to work out for me.  I’ll use these bad experiences as a shield so nobody will think it’s me. Because it’s not, okay? I’m choosing this life. Society has certain ideas about how I should behave. I’m a rebel! But I’m also quite fragile. So be careful with me. ”

Let me explain what you’re choosing. You’re choosing to be wounded and using it as an excuse. And you know what?

It’s an excuse. It’s a Lifetime movie of the week. Strong, single independent, no nonsense woman who is afraid to love. Attracted to the wrong guys. Never interested in the available ones. How original.

In one breath you proclaim your independence and self-sufficiency. In another you’re saying you have no control over why you do what you do, or why you date who you date. You’re just wired that way. Which is it. Either you’re strong and independent, or you’re this fragile little turtle afraid to poke your head outside of its shell, ruled by her neurosis.

What is the root of this thinking?? Where is it coming from??? I don’t know. Maybe I’m being insensitive here. Maybe I’m just projecting my own remorse for my past mistakes. I know, or at least I’m sure, that I thrived off of playing the victim. But doesn’t that get exhausting? How long can that last??  Who didn’t have a weird relationship with one or both of their parents? Who didn’t date a handful of jerks? Who hasn’t been afraid of being rejected? It just feels like people are holding on to these experiences and using them as both a way to get attention and sympathy as well as an excuse to never  open up or give any decent guy a chance. What’s all this really about? What are we really afraid of..and why??

Is it that men fear commitment and women fear…intimacy?

We’re more resilient than this..aren’t we?

 

I know I’ve been harping on this issue lately. There have been a ton of article highlighting what’s going on with single women out there. Which is why I’ve been writing more of this type of stuff lately.

 

Quick Fixes

Name: Amomma | | Location: San Francisco , CA |Question: Ok, Moxie, can either you or your readers give me some advice for dealing with pent up sexual frustration?

After breaking up from a toxic relationship, I have been celibate for five months. Actually, four months, 3 days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, 22 seconds, but you get the picture.

I’m a little scared of dipping my feet into the dating scene again, and yet I don’t want to deal with a casual sexual relationship. And yet, I’m horny as all get up.

What’s a sexually frustrated gal to do?  |Age: 35

 

Well, if masturbation isn’t an option, then you have two other choices:

1. Take up hobbies and try to keep yourself busy.

2. Get back in to the dating pool, even if it’s on a casual level.

If your last relationship was toxic, before you do anything, I’d suggest figuring out why you were in that toxic relationship and determine if you’re truly healed from the experience. You don’t want to carry whatever emotional or mental scars you received from that situation to the next one.

You also need to make sure if you’re really horny and not just lonely or craving affection. A lot of people use horniness as an excuse. They’re not engaging in the casual relationship for the physical gratification. The orgasm is secondary. Their primary reason for having casual sex or participating in these casual sex arrangements is that they provide a contained amount of attention and affection. Whatever the reason is for having casual sex, own it before you have it.

I’m not sure going from one emotionally bereft relationship to another is the smartest move, though. It’s easy to tell  yourself in to thinking or believing that you can “handle” casual sex when you go from one substanceless relationship to another.  It’s not that you can “handle” the lack of emotional intimacy, it’s more like you become numb to it. The occasional sexual fling is fine. But do it enough and pretty soon that’s all you can maintain. You’ve literally conditioned yourself in to emotionally shutting down. Do that for too long and you risk becoming incapable of ever becoming emotionally attached to anyone.

I don’t mean to belittle your claim that you’re perpetually horny. It’s just that I think, as an adult, I think it’s kind of a bullshit excuse. If you were 16, 18 maybe even 22 I could see how you’d be ruled by your hormones. But by your/our age, you learn that you can’t always get what you want, and you find a work around. Like exercise, or a hobby, or something of that nature. Like I said, I’m not dismissing that ongoing horniness can cause great emotional and physical discomfort. I get incredibly nauseous and my body temperature rises and I feel all around uncomfortable if I’m aroused and don’t have an orgasm. Surging hormones are no joke. So I get what you’re throwing down here. I just think you could find something else to get through it. Preferably something that releases endorphins. So often we turn to unhealthy things to make us “happy” like food, or drugs, or…sex. But those things don’t really make us happy. They just trick our brain in to thinking we’re happy. Endorphins are natural and healthy.

I just started Bikram Yoga and after just a few classes I’ve noticed an overall change in my attitude, my body, my skin, my joints (I have chronic joint pain that sometimes makes it hard for me to get around. I’d call it arthritis but, well, that implies that I’m “old.”) It’s an incredible workout, usually 90 minutes long in a room where the temperature is about 100 or so degrees. Seriously, you’d be amazed at how you feel after one of those classes. It’s not an orgasm, but it’s an incredible feeling of accomplishment. Your skin glows, you get rid of all kinds of toxins in your body, it boosts your immune system and aids in flexibility. But what it really does is force you  to focus within. You’re told to always look at yourself in the mirror, even if you’re in a rest phase.  It really helped me rebuild a bit and learn how to accept my limitations and mistakes. There’s no hiding from yourself in that class. You’re encouraged to face your limitations – be they physical or emotional – and embrace them and try to strengthen them.  If you can’t hold a pose, it’s common to get frustrated with yourself and maybe berate yourself.  What Yoga – all kinds, I believe – does is get you to accept the limitation and push through it, thereby increasing your mental and physical strength.  I go to one class in particular because. during a brief rest phase,  the instructor always tells a story that relates to the benefits and principles of meditation and Bikram. It’s like nap time when you were in pre-school. Anyway, I enjoy it and just wanted to throw that out there as an option.

When we go for casual sex, I think more often than not, we’re looking for a quick fix. Something that will allow us to ignore the deeper reasons for why we’re unhappy or lonely or whatever. I’ve done it myself, even recently.  Maybe sex, for you, is just a distraction, a band-aid? Maybe what you really need to do is face up to how this toxic relationship you mentioned hurt you. You know, push through it. Don’t just let it bother you and allow you to give up or fall short. Don’t ignore the pain that it caused, as it will only resurface and ultimately weaken you more.

You said it yourself: You’re afraid. No amount of sex is going to help you get past that. Don’t become one of those women who hangs her hat on the whole “I’m afraid to be vulnerable” thing. You can use that excuse for a while, but after a while it’s just that – an excuse. It’s not fear of getting hurt that has you ambivalent. It’s a fear of people knowing that you’re still broken.

Sex is a temporary way to feel “whole” and in control.

Wouldn’t you rather that be how you feel all the time instead of in brief stints?

 

 

One Woman’s Brutal “Truth” Behind Why You’re Single

I had a post all ready to go about the beauty of the perfect cock shot. But this article just made me gird my loins in fear. Not crazy about the use of the word Slut to describe women who engage in casual sex. That aside, this article is so god damn spot on and what I’ve been saying for years. These aren’t just reasons why women are having a hard time finding a husband. These are the reasons so many women struggle to find a guy to stick around PERIOD.

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

 

1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.  Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. {Moxie’s note: I strongly disagree with this point.} Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long. That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.” You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do…

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

See the full article here

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Best of Moxie – Do Men Like Mystery?

Originally Posted Sep 19, 2008 – 55 Comments

Name: Trudie  | Location: New York , New York |Question: Is it okay to ask a guy out?  I have heard mixed answers on this subject, some guys like it, but others find get turned off.  According to the book “He’s Just Not That Into You,” women should not ask a guy out, because the guy misses out on the chase and the woman is not as much of a challenge.  There’s a guy who I’m interested in getting to know better, but I don’t get to see him often.  We e-mail once in a while, but I wonder what’s wrong with me asking him to meet for a drink or something?  It it too pushy?  My girlfriends tell me that I shouldn’t do anything and I should just let him ask me out if he’s interested.  What’s your take on this?|Age: 31

ORIGINAL ANSWER:

Here’s what I believe. If a man is interested and is confident enough, he’ll ask you out. Now, many times are totally clueless as to when a woman is flirting with them. So, our job is to give as many green lights as possible so that he’s aware of your interest and knows the risk of rejection is minimal.

I don’t think asking a man out makes a woman look pushy. I think it makes her look anxious. She’s revealing to the man that she’s interested, which thereby takes away the “chase” so to speak. And, yes, guys enjoy the chase. A slight chase. Why? Because we all want what we think we can’t have.

UPDATED ANSWER – FEBRUARY, 2011:

Let me state, for the record, that I don’t think women should ask men out. Maybe I’m just a throw back, or an Old, but there are just some traditions that I think need to stay in tact. Why do I believe men should ask women out? Because I think people become easily complacent when things are handed to them. When a woman asks a man out and the man says yes, we don’t lose interest, we gain interest. In my opinion, that’s not how it works with most men.

I read a story recently about a woman who met a guy at a party. She and the man, in her opinion, flirted for a good deal of time. Yet the guy never asked for her number. So, at the end of the night, she ran in to the man and asked him “if he wanted her number or what?” Like most men in that situation, he took the number. He called her a couple days later and they went out. The man proceeded to act, well, not so great. He answered his phone, sent texts, frequently turned his attention to the TV.  He didn’t exactly display the most stellar of manners. The woman still went home with them man, which also turned out to be a comedy of errors. Her hopes of salvaging the night were dashed when the guy turned out to be, in her opinion, a pretty awful lover.

My take on this situation was that the guy already knew, because she basically egged him in to taking her number, that she was interested. He had already dismissed her by not asking for her number. That she would further pursue him told him he could act any way he liked and get away with it. And he was right. The date should have ended after the first cocktail or appetizer. Instead it progressed to his bedroom. He was rewarded for his bad behavior. That’s what women need to remember when they convince themselves that they should try to “salvage” a night out and get some sort of return on investment. And FYI..men? Same goes for you. Many of you like to talk about how you’ll go on a date with a woman who act inappropriately, but you’ll “try to get your money’s worth” by getting her to blow you. I realize that you don’t care if she gets some smug satisfaction for that.Just keep in mind that when you do this, you’re telling her that her behavior was acceptable and okay. If you don’t like being used for your wallet, stop rewarding women with little affirmations like allowing her to go down on you. Because if she’s clueless enough to be texting her BFF on a date, she’s clueless enough to think that you’re having sex with her because you find her attractive and not because she just happens to be there. One way to stop bad behavior is to not reward it.

Okay..back to the topic…women asking men out.

So, the woman from the scenario I just mentioned pretty much set herself up, in my mind. She made not only her interest known, but her willingness to overlook possible questionable behavior. This guy went in to the date likely believing that he could do whatever he wanted and this woman would still be interested. He also took a lazy approach to the overall date. He didn’t appear to even try to make a good impression. Why? Because he knew the woman was attracted to him. I don’t think women make the same assumptions when a man asks them out. I don’t believe we assume that we’re “in” just because a man asked for our number.

Men have been doing it for so long that, while they enjoy the change, they can’t fully assume the position of the one being pursued. When they ask a woman out, they know they do it because they’re interested. So they assume the woman is interested since she took the initiative and invited him for a drink. The difference is that a woman would still try to impress the man. The man just gets too comfortable too soon or doesn’t make as much effort as when he did the asking out. (YMMV on this one. Just my opinion. )

To bottom line it: I think most men enjoy not just the sense of challenge that asking a woman out provides, but also find the “mystery” of whether or not she’ll sleep with him arousing. Ask a guy out and, even if you don’t know if you if you want to have sex with him (please…we know in the first couple minutes of conversation), and he knows. He assumes eventual sex is a given.

Game over.

Condom Conundrum

Name: Jen || Location: sayerville , nj |Question: I have a dilemma Moxie.

I’ve been seeing a guy for 1 month and we are exclusive. The problem is he doesn’t like condoms when he is in committed relationships. It’s not about the sex he says. It’s about the emotional connection he has with me and wearing the condom detaches him from the emotional intimacy of the act. I understand his concerns and his feelings. The only way for us to avoid me getting pregnant is birth control but I don’t want to take it. I haven’t taken it in 6 years. When I was younger it was not an issue but I also wasn’t as health conscious as I am now. All I could think about are the hormones I’ll be putting into my body, the side effects, and after reading about all the un explained facts what it could do to our bodies in the long run just really turns me off. I had a lump in my breast 6 years ago and after that I vowed not to use the stuff. I don’t know if it contributed to the lump which is why I decided to stay away from it. If I was going to have sex it would be with condoms.

I’m now struggling with this because I share a strong connection with this guy. I know birth control is the sensible route to take. I don’t want any unplanned pregnancies or confusion in the relationship. He is fully supportive of my decision whatever I decide to do. I know he’s not thrilled if I do decide to not take the pill because he says it’s like he can’t ‘let go’. I have yet to speak to my doc to see what’s the new forms of birth control are. I’m sure they are all the same still, but I was just wondering your thoughts on all this and how I could go about approaching this situation to reach a mutual understanding with him that is comfortable for both of us.

Thanks
|Age: 35

 

I share similar issues and concerns as you do regarding The Pill and other similar methods of birth control. Between the rampant breast cancer history in my family to my own concern about taking medications of any kind (other than antibiotics), my only recourse is using condoms. It’s not ideal, and bareback is most definitely far more enjoyable for both parties, but it is what it is.

For me, at 42, I do wonder what the pros and cons would be of using The Pill or other similar methods to prevent pregnancy. I also wonder, if you want to try to conceive in the next 5 years,  how going on The Pill at your age or older will affect your ability to conceive. Is it wise to start such a method now? I’d be interested to hear what people have to say about this. How has long term use of The Pill affected your ability to conceive, your bodies, etc?

But there’s two bigger concerns in this letter for me. First, you’re exclusive after a month. That, to me, seems a bit quick. Especially when you consider that a) even if he’s been tested in the past 2 or 3 months, you still have no idea if he’s STD free and b) he’s asking you to use a form of contraception that could have major side effects that could affect your health. That’s a pretty huge request to make of someone you’ve been with for only a month.

I think it would behoove all men to do the research on these types of contraception – The Pill, NuvaRing, etc. This isn’t something to take lightly. In many cases, it’s really not as simple as popping a pill. Between the weight gain, the headaches, the nausea, the possible erratic  mood swings AND the more serious side effects like blood clots and tumors…there’s a lot to learn, guys. What a woman is essentially doing when she has these contraceptives implanted or takes these pills is altering her normal hormonal system. For someone with a history of breast cancer in their family, and sadly there are many women with such a history, this is no joke.  It can sometimes take several months before a woman finds the right dosage, too. Just trying to make the men more aware of what it is that we go through and what is involved

Ask most men and they’ll tell you how much they dislike condoms. They pinch, they sometimes make it difficult to maintain an erection, they don’t feel as good and the sensations are seriously dulled. The few times I’ve gone bareback in my life have ALWAYS been 1000 times more pleasurable for me, so I can imagine how it feels for a man. Everything is heightened. They feel the warmth, the wetness and the tightness in a way they just can’t when wearing a condom. So I do get it. Sometimes it’s hard not to just throw caution to the wind and rely on the good ol’ fashioned rhythm method. But we have to do it, if only because the possible repercussions are far too serious and involve more than just us. (But come on..who hasn’t played the “Just The Tip” game a few times?)

I think his whole “I don’t feel as close to you when I’m wearing a condom” is a big, fat excuse. Sorry, but that sounds like a case of a man telling a woman what he thinks she wants to hear in order to get what he wants.

I think you need to spell out to this man what your concerns are. The both of you should be reviewing each of your alternatives and try to come to a decision together.  If he doesn’t seem interested in that, or doesn’t seem to understand where your fears are coming from and still pushes, then this guy isn’t really concerned for your well being. You shouldn’t even be considering going without a condom for at least another 2 or 3 months anyway, exclusive or not. In my opinion, it’s way too soon to be that trusting.

 

One Step Forwards, Two Steps Back – She Wants to Go Back To Not Having Sex

Hi Moxie,

Wondering what you and your readers will have to say about this. I’ve had 3 dates with a woman. On the 2nd date we had sex. A couple of weeks later (she was out of town for a week) she said she wanted to go back to not having sex. She’s a great girl and the last time we saw each other (our 3rd date) we didn’t have sex. I went over to her place to watch a movie. The conversation about sex came up and she said something like, “I don’t want this to just be about sex.” I said, “I completely understand, but want you to know it’s not.” Time went by and we almost started messing around and she said, “I don’t want this to lead to sex tonight” and it completely killed the mood. When the conversation came up I reminded her that I’ve tried to do things outside of my apartment and hers, but schedule conflicts seem to prevent that from happening thus far.

I was trying to be very cool about the situation and said something about hanging out the next day. She then said, “Well, I won’t know until later tomorrow.” As we continued talking I said, “You have to understand where I’m coming from. You canceled plans last night, and here I am trying to make plans with you (outside of our apartments) and you’re asking me to keep my schedule open for that day… with no clue if you are going to be free or not.”

The situation was rather frustrating. She’s not a shady girl at all, but I don’t think she understood how things were coming off. Also, I asked her to a movie last night, and she’s the one that suggested I come to her place.

We talked for a bit longer, but I eventually ended up leaving shortly after. I tried to explain that boundaries like that are very limiting and seem problematic from a chemistry standpoint.

In my mind I thought she would have been game since we hadn’t seen each other in a week or so… but it most certainly didn’t feel that way. – Greg, 34, Boston

She’s not a shady girl at all,

That’s your first mistake.

She is shady. Shady meaning either she’s unaware of why she’s doing what she’s doing (which will lead to a looooot of disagreements) or she’s well aware of what she’s doing and being manipulative. You’re seeing what you want to see and over looking big, giant red flags.  You’re torn. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But something inside you won’t let you fully commit to that intention. LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!! If you tell her you’re not just in it for sex, and she trusts you, then why not just have sex? If she can take you at your word, then why the hesitancy? Here’s why: she either doesn’t believe you (and good luck convincing her) or..she just likes watching you squirm.

Sorry, but nobody over the age of 25 should invite someone over to their apartment unless they plan on having sex. Period. She’s doing the whole “omigod , I’m not that kind of girl who screws guys on the second date.” Honey, we’re all that type of girl at some time or another. I’d say 80% of men, when their date has sex with them on the first or second date, are so relieved at the lack of game playing that they can’t be bothered to wonder with how many other men you’ve done this. If the man likes you, the sex isn’t going to change that. Where these types of men get concerned, as DMN once mentioned recently, is if the woman acts too detached or too casual about sex or talks about sex in a way that devalues or objectifies her lovers.( This is why so many dating bloggers find themselves on the receiving end of The Fade more times than they can count, BTW. If you write about your dates/lovers as plot devices or props instead of people, you can expect guys to not call you back.)

She’s testing you to see if you’re genuinely interested in her. She’s making you jump through hoops so you can prove to her that you really like her and not just interested in having sex with her.

It won’t stop here. It will be an endless series of tests. People who behave this way always end up being way too much work.

This woman is not emotionally healthy. People whose behavior is inconsistent like this – that’s a warning that something is off. These sorts of people – men and women – can do a lot of damage if you don’t take control of the situation right away.

If you want to continue seeing her, you have to make it clear to her that you feel this taking two steps back thing isn’t a productive move. Not because you want to have sex but because you feel it’s manipulative. You have to stand your ground here. She honestly might not even be aware that she’s doing it. If you point it out to her and say that your intentions are honest, hopefully she’ll feel more comfortable. But if that roller coaster starts again and you feel like she’s picking fights (bad sign!!!) then you have to grab your balls and leave. You will not change her. She might never change. You’re not about to play Henry Higgins.

True or False: Women Are Hard Wired To Be Monogamous

I just want to point out that the average emotionally healthy woman does not want to have sex with more than 1 man at a time not because she fears feeling like a slut. Instead, it is due to biological drive. We aren’t hardwired to have sex with multiple partners in the same way you guys are. – Vox

Where I disagree with Vox is that men are conditioned or wired to screw as many women as they can, whenever they can.  I really wish we could get away from that stereotype, as I think many people like to fall back on that to explain why some men do certain things. Sometimes it’s not about biology. Sometimes they’re just assholes who suffer from entitlement or a fragile ego. Those two character flaws are hardly gender specific and most certainly not based on biology.

I’m also not able to agree that women are wired to prefer monogamy*. Do I think we run more of a risk of getting attached? Yes. Do I think that there’s a biological reason for that? Yes. But I do not believe that women are “wired” to avoid* having multiple partners. I think all of that shame stuff comes from external sources, like parents or the media or religious beliefs, not internal wiring.

Your thoughts?

*ETA: As one commenter pointed out, I didn’t read Vox’s original comment correctly. Where I disagree is that we are “wired” to not engage in sexual experiences with more than one partner in any given time period. Nor do I agree that men are “wired” this way, as it implies that they have no control over their actions and choices.