In Sickness And In Health
Name: double rainbow | Location: Brooklyn, NY |Question: I was diagnosed with a certain
condition about 4 months ago. It is not life threatening. The medication has various side effects like weakness, mood swings, dizziness and nausea. I started seeing someone about a month and a half ago. I told him when we met that I was diagnosed with this condition. Last week I had a particularly bad week and was feeling ill. He called me to see if I was doing okay and I asked him to come by. He stopped by after work but didn’t stay long, which hurt my feelings. He came over this weekend and I told him that it was important to me that he be more supportive when I’m having an off day. He said he would, but I’m not sure he means it. How do I know he’ll stick around when things get tough if he seems so wishy washy now? |Age: 34
Seeing someone suffer or in pain is not easy. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them. Pain is pain, be it physical, emotional or mental. Some people just don’t like confronting that because it reminds them of their own mortality. It also can make someone feel very powerless. It’s like when an infant is crying and you’re trying to figure out what they want. They can’t tell you what’s going on with them or where it hurts. So you stand there desperately trying to decipher the root of their discomfort and feel like a total failure if it takes you one minute to long. You feel helpless. And nobody likes to feel helpless.
You want someone who will be supportive and sympathetic. The best way to get what you need is to offer it yourself. Tell him that you understand how difficult and unsettling it can be. Explain that you don’t need them to take the pain away, just be there because the pain makes you afraid or nervous. Ask him if there is something about what you’re going through that scares him. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to lose you, or that things won’t work out because of your treatments.
He also could possibly be re-evaluating the situation and trying to determine if this is something he can handle. If there were ever two words in the English language that made men uncomfortable, it’s “mood swings.” 🙂
Or maybe he feels as though you’re expecting too much of him, too soon. He could be uncomfortable with playing nursemaid as he thinks that might imply he’s more obligated than he’s ready to be right now. Which could have nothing to do with your health, BTW. Everyone is allowed to decide if a certain situation is right for them. A month and a half isn’t very long. Depending on the quality of your time together thus far, it might be too soon for you to expect this much from him. It’s great that you were upfront about your condition. But it’s one thing to talk about an illness in the hypothetical. It’s a whole other ball of wax to have to deal with it first hand. No doubt you assured him you would be fine. He believed you. Not just because he wanted to, but maybe because he had to. Nobody likes to acknowledge that they’re mortal. We all know we are. But how many of us sit around and wonder how we’re going to die? We don’t. It’s just too scary. Plus, it’s inevitable. There’s nothing we can do to stop it. Talk about powerless. Dwell on that on a regular basis and you won’t leave your house.
I think you need to give this guy some time to adjust. Talk to him and tell him your concerns. Explain the ins and outs of your condition. Educate him. But…be very aware of whether or not you’re using your condition as a way to get him to care more than he does. Don’t use your health as a way to guilt him in to giving you more attention. He’ll resent you for it. You also don’t want to wonder if he’s sticking around because he worries he’ll look like a heel for leaving you.
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...And That's Why You're Single 
I have to disagree with the final advice given here – I don’t think the guy needs to be sat down and educated just because he didn’t react in the way the OP wanted.
I think a lot of us get into the habit of expecting a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to fulfill every emotional need that we have, even though that just isn’t realistic. If the OP needs someone to be supportive of her during an “off” day, she needs to turn to friends and family, not a man she’s only dated for six weeks. Six weeks is too early to make emotional demands of anyone, health issues or not. She asked him to stop by, and he did… that’s enough for now. If the OP needs more, she should call her mom, sister or best friend.
I agree with Vox. The OP needs a broad base of support, especially if this condition (and the side effects of the meds used to treat it) will be long term or permanent. She needs family and friends to be there when she is down, feels bad, is discouraged, etc. I think she should save her BEST moments to be with the guy – when she is able to have fun, go out, do things. The times that he is supportive or caretaking should be a smaller percentage of their time together, at this early stage of the relationship (in my opinion).
Clarifying – I don’t mean that she should be ‘fake’ but just not use the guy as her main support in her worst times.
I agree with Amy and Vox. I don’t allow a guy to commit to me (mostly me to him) until at least 3 months. I need to know him better than just a few weeks to change my whole life for him.
Friends and family, however, I expect to be in my life for years. These are the people you should be seeking support from. These are people who love you, have seen you at your best, have probably already needed to count on you for something, and are the ones responsible now to offer you support. A guy you are trying to impress and get to know? Stopping by is more than enough right now, and kudos to him to being able to handle this at all at this stage. You are both in the getting-to-know-each-other phase of dating, so expecting anything other than dates and phone calls is really asking too much, imo.
That said, congratulations on finding a guy this promising so soon in. He not only has not been scared away by this condition, but is able to see you on an “off” day without making some excuse to not come by. Keep him around for awhile and get to know him more. Seems very likely to me that he will come around to being a strong support down the line 🙂
The OP needs to be more realistic. After four YEARS of dating, it would be reasonable to expect your beloved to be your primary source of support in an illness like this. But, after four MONTHS of dating, your expectations aren’t very realistic. You should be looking primarily to your family and close friends for this sort of support.
6 months would seem ok to me to be willing to try and comfort someone when they are ill. I’ve been absolutely wrecked this last week and am really glad I had someone from day one who seemed ok with being a caretaker when needed (though I think taking care of a drunk mom set him up for that one)
A lot of problems will pop up in life like a sick child or parent or even yourself and I understand the OP’s concern of wondering if this guy has it in him to be selfless at times but I agree a month and a half is too soon to be a fair judge of this. Spreading the load seems like a good idea if you have family nearby.
However after 6 months and you find yourself with someone who acts like it’s a hassle to help you out if you really need it is poor relationship prospect and it won’t get better.
If you were just diagnosed with this condition, and your body is just getting used to the medication, you’re just starting to figure out what this means for your everyday life. You haven’t dated before while dealing with this and any guy with whom you’ve been in a relationship before hasn’t had to deal with your condition.
This is not like a situation where you’re married or been in a long-term relationship, and you figure out together how you will deal with this new wrinkle. He, quite frankly, may not want to stick around and deal with this. That’s not to say he’s a jerk, but that you are still in the stage where things don’t work out for all sorts of reasons.
So you have to figure out whether it’s more important that he be the kind of guy who is capable of giving you the support you need, or you would rather be single or in a low-maintenance relationship while you figure everything out about your illness. I agree with the other commenters that you should be downplaying it as much as possible at this point, give him time to adjust to this new stage of your life, and then figure out if you want to be with him at the level of attention and caring he’s able to devote at this point.
I wouldn’t push him away by confronting him with everything up front (which it almost sounds like you’re doing — testing him in a way that he’s not prepared to pass). If he’s the one for you, you’ll make it through this — but not if you force him to deal before he’s ready.
I agree with the other commenters that you should be downplaying it as much as possible at this point…
No one else has suggested such a thing on this thread, only you. We’ve suggested that she look elsewhere for emotional support, not that she “downplay” her health situation. For instance, if she switches to new medication and finds herself too tired to accompany him on a date, she should most certainly suggest that they reschedule because her medication makes her too tired to be good company. There is nothing wrong with the truth, and there is nothing here to downplay. We simply believe that it she should not be making him an emotional crutch at this stage of their relationship. If her health makes her feel like whining all night to someone – and there is nothing wrong with that – she needs to whine to a friend or relative, not this guy, not yet.
If her health makes her feel like whining all night to someone – and there is nothing wrong with that – she needs to whine to a friend or relative, not this guy, not yet.
Why are you so hostile towards almost every woman who dares show a weakness or vulnerability?
I would call going elsewhere for emotional support an effort to downplay the need for it to all come from him…and several commenters besides me have mentioned that the length of time they’ve been together (1 1/2 months) is insufficient for the level of support she seems to be expecting.
Being perceived as needy is never a good thing at an early stage of a relationship, even if the need itself is perfectly legitimate, as hers seems to be.
Paula, I wouldn’t call that downplaying it at all. That is just looking elsewhere for support.
Downplaying is more like telling him her condition is not as much a problem as it is in reality (whether taht be a lot or a little, or the myriad of gray area in between).
In the first stages of a new relationship, everyone brings out their own issues slowly. I, for one, have to be slow about bringing out the “special” quirks in my personality, though there are others I choose to reveal right off the bat so any potential can learn (be trained) to deal with it immediately.
For instance, I have a lot of energy, and need a certain amount of intense exercise everyday to burn it off so I can sleep. This is the result of being raised a duo-athlete/dancer, and being serious about both at the same time.
Downplaying is too close to lying for comfort, in my book. Getting support elsewhere? Normal and healthy, even in an LTR, it’s good to have at least a few people you can lean on – everyone.
I think all of us downplay certain things about ourselves in the early stages of dating — things that we know are a little harder to take; things that have been a barrier to past relationships; things that it takes more emotional closeness to be ready to talk about; or things in our past that we’ve worked to change so that we’re not the same person any more.
There’s a fine line sometimes between being open and honest about ourselves, and using something about ourselves as a defense to push people away — prematurely assuming that they’re not going to go the distance. To recognize that doesn’t mean that you’re being deceptive, but realizing that true emotional closeness develops gradually, and dumping everything about yourself in someone else’s lap before they’re ready to accept it is not necessarily a fair test of their character.
She hasn’t tried to hide her illness from him, and it seems like she’s made it clear that she is going to have some emotional needs related to her illness.
I hit send too soon: my last sentences were meant to be…
Downplaying neediness is different than downplaying her illness. Getting emotional support elsewhere will allow her to downplay her neediness and focus on whether he has the qualities to go the distance with her.
That isn’t hostility, that’s reality. It is unrealistic to expect a man you have only known for 6 weeks to be your emotional blankie. I would say the same to a man, but men aren’t the ones who seem to be expecting this so early in the game. Being vulnerable is fine, we all are vulnerable… but your vulnerability should not dictate that others act in a certain way. And that, by the way, is what is so wrong with your advice in this particular thread.
Your vulnerabilities are your problem, just as my vulnerabilities are mine. They are not meant to be hung around the necks of the men we date. This guy is not the OP’s savior.
No man is going to be your emotional blanky that early unless your way above his league. If a man is your equal hes going to be scared away. Your beauty will make him want to listen to you and care for you.
You’re trying so hard to convince us that Men are just shallow assholes, I had to give you the kudos! Great Job!
Lots of thumbs-down to you for this comment, but according to what I have seen in my 40 years, you are absolutely correct. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the more beauty a particular set of eyes beholds, the more emotional drama a woman can dish out.
Maybe the guy didn’t stay long because he was uncomfortable, and didn’t know what you expected of him. Maybe if you seemed ill, he thought he shouldn’t stay long because he didn’t want to bother you. Maybe he didn’t realize that not staying long would be something you’d interpret as being “not supportive”.
Personally, I think it’s above and beyond the expectation of a guy you have only been dating a short while to come take care of you or keep you company when you’re sick. If the talk you had with him about “not being supportive” didn’t scare him off, he must be really into you. But don’t just expect things…you need to really lay out what it is that you want. You want him to stay for 2 hours? 4 hours? Still be there when you wake up after a 2-hour nap? Order food and watch a movie with you, even though you can’t eat and will probably fall asleep during the movie? You need to specify that.
I think it was very nice of him to come over after a long day at work. I know I have a routine most weekdays – work, gym, then home, so for him to alter it for you says a lot. I think at this point you should doubt what he says, because you’ve only been dating a little over a month. You haven’t established trust yet, and this is why you may feel like you are in a tenuous situation, because you are. You’re at a very early stage and already displaying a lot of neediness. I think you need to hold off on that kind of behavior. While it’s terrible to feel ill, and I know, I have a chronic illness, you have to learn to deal with these symptoms mostly on your own.
If you believe that people date in order to discover the traits of the significant other before entering into a lifetime comitment, then I say the man is within his rights to act as he has done. He has found that the OP has a serious flaw, one he doesn’t quite understand, but one that may affect the rest of his life and the healthn of his children if he goes on to pursue a life with her.
I’m not saying that sick people shouldn’t get married. Just that they should be more understanding if someone who isn’t sick is no longer interested.
Marriage is different — through better or worse. Dating isn’t marriage and does not carry the same responsibility
Listen, I have two kids. I don’t expect a guy I’ve known for 6 weeks to accompany me to the scene of my daughter’s car accident or to sit with me in the ER while she is x-rayed, or to bring my kids along on dates. At 6 weeks, you are just barely getting to know the person. That is not a point for the sort of intimacy that these scenarios demand, and you are going to wind up overwhelming this person entirely.
Are my kids a huge part of my life? Absolutely. But, no guy needs to be in the middle of all of that after a month and a half.
It’s the same with your personal medical issues. If you’re expecting this of a guy after 6 weeks, it sends the signal that you simply don’t have a normal support network that most independent people have.