Why Can’t He Get Any Online Dates?

Name: hoplessrmantic |  Location: Toronto , ON |Question: What is my biggest dating frustration?

How about not having any luck getting any dates!

I’ve been reading some dating blogs stories both from the authors and from other visitors comments. One thing that always amazes me are the number of dates these people appear to go on in a week. With my track record I’ll be lucky to have two dates in a year let alone four or five dates in a week!

I’m a down to earth easy going guy. I have my passions in life as well as my annoyances just like everyone else. I’ve also been on dating sites for years without much luck in the relationship department.

I have emailed so many women on OKC it boggles my mind why I’m not getting responses. It tells me that I must be doing something seriously wrong but I’m not sure what that could be and neither do any of my close friends (they’ve all gone through my profile and emails sent).

Don’t get me wrong and think I’m the sappy, lonely, needy guy. I really am happy on my own. It’s taken me a while to get here and it took a lot of looking at myself, asking those tough questions.

From all those tough questions the most important thing I did learn is that I have a lot going for me, I’m having fun in my life and that I would like to share life’s experiences with someone.

OK enough of me babbling. If you want to see more of me and get a better feel of who I am, check out my profile on OKC.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hoplessrmantic

Thanks for your time. |Age: 38

If these bloggers aren’t lying, they’re dating to blog. So they’re simply going out with anyone within reason just so they can have blog fodder.  Their blog consists of a series of one off dates, some “hilarity” or drama that ensues and then a breakdown of why the blogger will never see the person again or feels their date wasn’t relationship material or how the man/woman they went out with was a jackbag. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That’s our way of regaining control over what appears to be an uncontrollable situation. Of course, we have all the control we need to make the necessary changes. We just don’t want to.  The goal of many bloggers is to entertain and get comments and get liked and stumbled and retweeted. Or to over-analyze minutiae and fixate because obsessing over someone that doesn’t care is better than having no one to obsess over at all. (*raises hand!*) Rarely is the goal to actually have a relationship.  We dwell on the past and press on the bruises because it’s the only time we actually feel anything and so people will tell us how “brave” we are by being so “real and honest.”  Yet there’s rarely ever any…change. Our blogs are our excuses, our shield. I’ve done it all of this. Hence why I’m 42 and single. Comparing your insides to a blogger’s outsides is not a wise move. In the words of Nietzsche –Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Now, as to your profile.

I liked your profile. I thought it had personality and was very positive. Maybe a little over-programmed, though. I’d remove the references to the self-help books. Personally, I find the profiles that are chock full of wisdom and sage advice a little odd and woo woo. (Woo woo means hippie/trippy/a little too “out there.”) I’d also take out the references to how you don’t feel your age. You are what you are. Nothing is going to turn back time. Don’t justify you’re age. You don’t have to. Nobody does.

You come across healthy and emotionally available. And a good portion of the online daters out there..are not. So they’ll read your profile and they’ll find something innocuous about it that renders them unable to date you. But really, and most aren’t even aware of it, they’re intimidated. You’re there. You’re ready. You’re open. They’re not. They don’t want someone who knows what they want and who brings stuff to the table, because they fear they don’t. Online dating provides them with the ability to feign emotional availability. It’s a cover. They go on date after date and tell people that they’re really trying and really open and totally willing to have a relationship. But they’re not. They’re time wasters.  How do you spot them? Well,:

• They’ll probably have a disclaimer or two in their profile. They’ll let you know that they’re looking for X and X only.
• They’ll seem ambivalent. They’re trying to sound flexible but really they’re just widening their net and not being too specific because they really don’t know what they want.
• They’ll make some passive aggressive remark about how different they are, usually comparing themselves to the opposite sex and implying they’re somehow better.  Chip on their shoulder alert!
• It takes them longer than usual to respond to you and communications lag.
• They don’t really talk to you. They just talk at you. Pimping yourself in a profile is not a bad thing. But someone who is genuinely open to meeting someone is more likely to address the person reading it

Be careful of falling in to the “oversharing” category. I like the Two of Us section on OKCupid, where people fill out various questions that give people an idea of their political,lifestyle and sexual leanings. However, it’s very easy to get caught up in all of that and end up sharing too much, too soon. You want to answer the right questions, the ones that will help you sell yourself to your particular audience. If you’re just looking for sex, then by all means answer the sexual questions. But I would avoid answering  too many of the more political or spiritual questions. You might also consider getting rid of the Personality Tests. I don’t know. You don’t want to make it look like you spend too much time on this site or take it too seriously, you know?

Pare down the favorite books/movies/foods section. Honestly, I don’t even read those. You have a brief window of time to engage someone. Don’t lose them over something trivial like your love of sushi or your ideal iPod shuffle.

I agree with the others that you have too many photos of you with other women. I’d crop them out. I’d ditch the one where you have your arm around a woman’s waist all together. (Come on now.) The others are great. You’re outside, you’re with friends or family. You’re showing people you’re not some shut in and have interests other than cruising the internet.  There are no cheesy cell phone or lap tops shots. Maybe get rid of the photo of you posing against the building. That one has a high cheese factor.

The other issue is that you are probably shooting out of your league a bit.  We all tend to get bitten by that bug. While there is an overage of men and women online who are in no way capable of having a real relationship, there are many that are. You just don’t want them, most likely, or aren’t looking in the right places.  If you’re going to use online dating and be successful at it, you have to be more forgiving and not too rigid. Go up a couple years in your age range. Be more willing to contact someone based on their words and not their photos.

I’ll say to you what I said to a woman who wrote in recently. Don’t use online dating to find a relationship. Use it to find a date. Just one date. Base your decision to email someone or respond on whether or not you could see yourself spending an hour or two talking. That’s it. You won’t know if they’re relationship material or know what they’re really looking for until you meet them. Nobody likes to waste their time. I get that. But if you’re really looking for a partner, someone you can spend time with and enjoy, you’re going to have to be willing to “waste” an hour or so here or there.

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ONLINE DATING PROFILE REVIEW TELECLASS – MARCH 24TH

Find out what people REALLY think when they read your online dating profile. Open to all ages!

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN
*Ways to write your intentions clearly and attract the right people.
*More original ways to help you sound like the fun, smart, attractive person you are.
*Techniques to use to stand out and get noticed
*Red flags to look out for so you can avoid frustration and disappointment.
*Keys to picking appropriate usernames.
*What NOT to include in your profile.
*Ways to read between the lines of other profiles so you know who to avoid.
*Photo selection & Review.

MALE MYSTIQUE TELELCLASS – MARCH 16TH

Have you dated one of these men:

The Crash & Burner? You know, the guy who pours it on thick on the first couple dates, starts talking in “we” over cocktails on your first date, that emails you hello and goodnight every day and then…disappears?

The Emotional Vampire? He’s the guy that breaks things off with you, but checks back in regularly inquiring if you’re still seeing someone? He tells you how much he cares for you, wishes he could be the person you want him to be..but yet never actually tries to do so?

OTHER TOPICS DISCUSSED

*Common myths women tell themselves and each other to explain why relationships fail

*What red flags men look for when dating someone new

*How to know if a man is available or looking for a relationship
*Decoding common male behavior
*How to have important conversations with men

Is There Really a Lid for Every Pot?

Name: ConfusedinCali | | Location: Burbank , CA |Question: Moxie, I知 confused, frustrated,and tired of playing this dating game.

When did getting into relationships get so complicated, or have they always been this way? It seems like for some people, finding a long-term mate is relatively simple. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Move in with each other, and at some point get married. Relatively simple.

But where does that leave the rest of us? The ones who just have a hard time coming across anyone who is somewhat decent?

I知 writing this from the perspective of a divorcee who is just confused about all the mixed messages about dating that are thrown out there- you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.

What gives? Are there just outliers in this world who are destined to never be in LTRs and maybe we should just get over it and move on with our lives?
|Age: 33

Well, I think the first adjustment you need to make is to stop looking for a “marriageable” man and simply seek one who is capable of and desiring of a relationship and commitment. The number of men and women who do not believe in marriage is growing. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to meet someone with whom they can settle down or have a long term partnership. They’re just not keen on the institution of marriage itself. It’s not due to a bitterness or cynicism towards love or monogamy or commitment. These people just don’t feel marriage is the only way two people can forge a life together. There are plenty of people to whom marriage is the end goal. I just don’t think they’re as common as they were 10+ years ago.

Now, as to why some people have more luck finding a relationship than others. I think, believe it or not, a lot of it has to do with practice and basic skill. Some people are better at algebra than others. Some people are better at playing an instrument than others. Dating really isn’t so different. If you have the desire, and you have the right attitude, and you’re willing to do the work, anything is achievable. Yes, some people have natural ability. But here’s what I’ve found. Those people with natural ability all share one thing: limitless thinking. They never think they can’t do something.

My uncle was a natural athlete. Any sport, he excelled. His brother, My Dad, had to work at it. He still excelled, but it wasn’t as easy for him. It took him longer and he took more hits. But, eventually, he got there.  My Dad is a thinker.  He’s cautious. He weighs the pros and cons. He never believed that anything came easy, that you had to work at it. If it came too effortlessly, it wasn’t real or wouldn’t last.   My uncle just..did. He never questioned why, he never let those doubts creep in to his head. He just acted. Make note that both men eventually got to the same place.  It just took one longer.

Some people approach dating the same way. They don’t over-analyze anything. They don’t question their abilities. They don’t dwell on mistakes. They just..date.

you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.

Well, no. This is where you’re processing things based on your inner narrative. A woman can be independent and self-sufficient and still need someone. By “need”, most people mean be emotional available and be willing to be vulnerable. You’re the one tacking on the “financial or emotional.” In order for people to have a successful relationship, both parties have to be willing to “need” each other. They can’t see that as a sign of weakness. If someone refuses to let someone in, or allow someone to help them, or are afraid to be themselves, then they are going to have a hard time finding a healthy relationship. That’s not about a shortage of men or women. That’s about them and their limited way of thinking. If that’s how you see life, then that’s exactly what you’re going to find. This isn’t about the Law of Attraction or any sort of woo woo type of principle. If you’ve convinced yourself the sky is green, the sky is green to you.

This mentality that “all the good ones are taken” or “there are no decent men/women” is just defeatist propaganda. I honestly think it’s just a way for people to deter others from pursuing a relationship.   It’s bullshit. There are plenty of great, healthy, loving, available people out there.

You just don’t want them. For whatever reason. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship. Maybe you’re afraid. Maybe because you’re dead set on a certain type and don’t see yourself with anyone else.  I don’t know. But I do know that people nowadays are far too quick to dismiss people and blame society or others as to why they’re single. Sorry, but if someone is constantly struggling,  constantly disappointed, constantly griping…the problem is them.And it usually starts with their attitude.

Do I believe there is a lid for every pot? No. Everybody doesn’t get a ribbon. Life just doesn’t work that way. But I think you’re more likely to succeed (without and hard and fast guarantees) if you have the right attitude, are open minded and deal with whatever it is that is holding you back.

(Tangent up ahead.)

Yeah, I know. I’m finger pointing. (Guess which finger I’m wagging right now??) Learn to deal. I feel a need to defend my..what’s that word…community of dating advice people, dating experts and coaches. I’m beyond annoyed with this constant barrage of smarm and self-righteous/phony smugness directed at those of us who do what we do, accusing us of trying to make people feel bad about themselves. One, nobody can make you feel anything. Two, if you’re going to insist over and over that you’re so content being single, then how come you never say you prefer to be single? Why are you constantly on the merry go round that is online dating (other than you just need shit to blog about) ? How come you always qualify your statements with things like “Well, I’d like to be in a relationship but…I won’t settle/lower my standards” etc?(Those standards surely do come in handy, don’t they?)  That’s not the same as preferring to be single. If you would rather be in a relationship, and can’t seem to make that happen, then something is getting in the way. Is it wrong to suggest that, since you’re the only common denominator, that maybe the problem is within your control?

You want to talk about negativity fatigue? How about all the stories being filtered out through certain networks and Twitter about people being used and abused, pumped and dumped, lied to, cheated on and generally mistreated? Or about the stories about being judged and sized up by strangers because you’re single and how society is just so terribly threatened by you or how dismissed you are for being single? Or about how everyone you know that is in a relationship or is married is fucking miserable in some regard? Or the ones about how people refuse to settle and who blow off people because, I don’t know, they ordered too much food on a date? Worse, why are you so proud of the fact that nothing ever works out and all you attract is unavailable, abusive assholes? If dating is so taxing, and you’re so thrilled about being single, then stop doing it and stop bitching.

When are we, or anyone, allowed to suggest that maybe the string of frustrations or unhealthy experiences that certain people have are about them? What’s the quota that needs to be hit? How many stories do we have to hear before we’re allowed to suggest that someone be accountable? Or should we just tip toe around you so as to avoid hurting your delicate sensibilities while you regularly lash out at us?  If you don’t need us, and have such little disregard for us, then ignore us.

There isn’t some conspiracy out there that was designed to make you feel incomplete. Trust me. It ain’t all about YOU, no matter how badly you wish it were.

Article Review: The Plight of The Single Woman

A must read article from The Village Voice

When asked what he thought about the “plight of the single lady”—and women who blame men for the state of dating in the city, a single New Yorker in his twenties admitted, “I see where they’re coming from, but, in a lot of ways, they bring it upon themselves. I think if girls were more withholding, boys would be more likely to commit, but because boys can get most of what they want without having to commit, they do. That implies that all boys want is to hook up, which I don’t think is true, but I think that is a lot of it. That’s why when a girl says, ‘Oh, sure, we can hook up and I won’t be weird about it,’ they end up yelling at you a week later.”

It’s also a fact that, at least in the non-romantic portions of life, understanding and expressing what you want makes achieving it far easier, whatever the “it” is. Yet, by and large, New York City women fail to be specific with men about what they really want and instead just go along with things hoping for the best and getting angry when it doesn’t work out that way. Or they’re so specific, with such intricately wrought lists of requirements for what they will and won’t date, that they miss the point altogether—if the criteria is that complicated, maybe they don’t actually want to be with someone at all yet.

“Rightly refusing to settle,” especially for someone who’s boring, otherwise uninspired, or just a bad choice, sounds pretty good—even empowering. Somewhere along the way, “settling” became a dirty word, evoking visceral reactions of distaste and even disgust, particularly for the strivers among us. Take the negative reactions to Lori Gottlieb‘s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, which suggests that women who are still single after 35 are just too damn picky.

But I’d argue that it’s not about being picky. It’s about having all of these options, and not knowing how to choose from among them, or whether we even want to. It’s about the years of being told we can have it all, and suddenly being deeply afraid to admit that that house of cards has been a sham all along because no one really gets to have it all.For every loser I’ve screamed at, there have been nice, normal single guys with perfectly acceptable ZIP codes and ages and jobs and habits who never did a thing wrong but for some reason were chucked after the first or second, or maybe even third, date for being boring, predictable, too nice, too normal, not successful enough, or . . . admitted to no one, perhaps not even myself: too available. The scariest of scary words.

If there is a real and current plight of the single lady in New York City, it’s not that New York men are so horrible. It’s figuring out how to balance what you want and what you can get—in terms of love, marriage, and what each guy has to offer—against all of the options. – Jen Doll, author

This was one of my favorite comments. From Michael at The Tao of Bachelorhood

The problem with mating in NYC is not that “savvy, well-educated women hoping to find a mate and settle down are out of luck.” It’s that those who aren’t so savvy, who overrate their education, who have the female version of “Chandler Bing syndrome” are out of luck.

This. This 1000%. The Chandler Bing syndrome. I love it. For those of you that never watched Friends regularly, Chandler Bing Syndrome involves being trapped in your head, self-obsessed, over-analyzing every detail, being emotionally stunted, finding problems where there are none..and never getting past the initial stage of dating someone new. ( I am, most definitely, guilty of being  a Chandler Binger.)

Another great comment:

This is the essence. In today’s age, being a normal, stable guy (also funny, strong, confident, understanding, polite, well-educated etc.) is often not enough. There has to be the excitement, the danger, the mystery, THE DRAMA that appeals to the basest biological instincts. And if that leads to something like 80% of women to compete over 20% of guys (the pump-and-dump drama types), hey, it’s ok! Today’s people are liberated! – Marmot

I don’t have much to add to this. I think the article pretty much says it all. Like I said..I’m guilty of all of this. I would love to get on my soapbox and make snide and condescending remarks about this article, maybe take  a few pot shots at the author for good measure. You know, get defensive.

But much of this article sounds too familiar.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?

What’s Past Is Prologue

Dear Moxie

I’ve been single for a long while, and I understand I wasn’t perfect, and  I wasn’t looking for someone perfect.

Sometimes, there were  well intentioned girlfriends giving me wrong advice can prevent me from improving my relationships situation.

I came across your Blog so very randomly in the past year and half.  Sometimes, there are things I really don’t agree with, but  there are some things that really struck me.

The posts that really put me in perspective are the ones where the girl tends to overanalyze everything, and sabatoges the relationship b/c freaking the guy out with the overanalytical stuff.  They are also the ones where you were blunt and  painfully truthfully to state to girls to not be a “headcase”.  I also appreciate ones where we complain “why do the wrongs one always go for me?”  and your response was “Drama attracts Drama.”

In my most recent relationship, there were times I wanted to bail out.. and then I would read your blog, and then I realized the reasons I wanted to  bail  were unconscious reactions for me to NOT deal with my issues, and then blame it on the other party.

And I stayed in, because realizing those issues were weaknesses of mine to work on, and actually NOT the weaknesses of the other party.

Well, I am engaged now.  And I think you were great deal of my “growing up and being real” process so I could be with this really great person, whom I truly appreciate, love and respect.  Sometimes, it’s hard to appreciate good people, when we are so blinded by our own weaknesses, that we fabricate all these reasons to not be in a positive relationship with a good person.

But Thank you Moxie,, you have more a profound effect on the world than you think….

Yours, a random reader

 

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in regards to this blog and how it’s affected my life. This letter came in on Monday, literally while I was writing a piece about what I felt 2011 and my 42nd year held for me. (My birthday is New Year’s Eve.) A couple of people wrote in and asked me why I closed down the other blog and started this one.  I shut down the original blog after a long talk with close friends and after an argument with a man I’m casually seeing. To be clear, my decision to take all that stuff down was my own and no one else’s. It had been a running thought in my head for a very long time.To put it bluntly, my blog was killing my love life.

I know people like to believe that the “right” person will learn of your blog or read it and accept you “warts and all.” I truly believe that is a lie that we bloggers tell ourselves. Honestly? I think our blogs are just another blockade we use to keep people away. Blogging about my personal life has definitely kept me single. No question.

For the other bloggers who might be reading, I thought the following might be give them a bit of insight of how some men feel about dating a blogger.

If you talked it through with a man, much like we did, and he agreed that you could write about him within reason, it might be fine when you write nice things about the man – but as soon as you went online about an disagreement you’d had, or wrote something negative, or even voiced an opinion that you wouldn’t otherwise say to him directly, what might have been a resolvable disagreement is going to blow up. No man wants to be up against the combined wrath of hundreds of readers as well as his girlfriend. And while ‘girly talk’ with best friends is generally a fact of life reluctantly accepted by guys, very few men are okay with their personal problems being aired for anyone, much less the whole world, even if it’s anonymous and abstract.

Even if a guy is fine with the blog, there’s a sad loss of mystery there which I venture might take some of the fun out of the initial months of dating. He has the potential to know things about you which you might have never told him under normal circumstances, plus a whole load of things that he would really prefer to discover for himself, good and bad. The good things he might find are therefore going to be less exciting and possibly even expected, whereas the bad things are going to seem much worse, magnified as they are by the structure and feedback of a blog. An issue that he might have been able to comfortably deal with had it come up six months into the relationship is going to look very scary to someone just going in at the beginning.

I guarantee to you that almost all men would read it, even if they say they wouldn’t. The early stages of a relationship are about getting to know someone, effectively information gathering. It’s partly a game, but also partly an evolutionary imperative, to make sure that the person in whom you are interested is a suitable mate. It would take a man with great willpower and trust to resist a wealth of information that vast, and it would take a strong constitution for him to then be okay with it. And then for those who can deal with it, with all the information to hand, you may well find yourself put into a box as to your relationship potential.- Don Draper

 

I love this column and what it’s become. Most of all, I love the people who comment and add their insights. That’s the gold, if you ask me. I throw out my opinion to start a discussion. That’s my role. The real feedback comes from you people. So this column isn’t going anywhere. The change I’ll make is to try to keep my personal life more private. I’m still learning how to do that. It has been 7 years, after all. 🙂  I don’t even really keep much of a private blog. I do have one and it’s password protected. Few people have access (mostly real life friends and a few long time readers.) Don has access and can read it and has commented, which is a bit strange for me. But for the most part I don’t really write too often over there.

I’m thinking that, in the spirit of change, this column should change a bit as well. Here’s what I’m thinking.

I’m really enjoying the comment rating features, so I think I’m going to devote one or two posts a week to featuring those comments.

The letters will still be the main focus, of course. But I have to be honest and say that I feel this need to avoid answering certain types of submissions.

Someone emailed me recently and asked if I could write something “happy” as most of the posts are so depressing.I think one post a week will be devoted to something uplifting and positive about dating and relationships. I’ve never been a fan of the whole guest blogging thing. But now I think it might be time to try it out. I’ll post some information about how to make submissions.

Okay. So that’s it for now.

We’ll return to our regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow 🙂