In Sickness And In Health

Name: double rainbow | Location: Brooklyn, NY |Question: I was diagnosed with a certain condition about 4 months ago. It is not life threatening. The medication has various side effects like weakness, mood swings, dizziness and nausea. I started seeing someone about a month and a half ago. I told him when we met that I was diagnosed with this condition. Last week I had a particularly bad week and was feeling ill. He called me to see if I was doing okay and I asked him to come by. He stopped by after work but didn’t stay long, which hurt my feelings.  He came over this weekend and I told him that it was important to me that he be more supportive when I’m having an off day. He said he would, but I’m not sure he means it. How do I know he’ll stick around when things get tough if he seems so wishy washy now? |Age: 34

Seeing someone suffer or in pain is not easy. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them. Pain is pain, be it physical, emotional or mental. Some people just don’t like confronting that because it reminds them of their own mortality. It also can make someone feel very powerless. It’s like when an infant is crying and you’re trying to figure out what they want. They can’t tell you what’s going on with them or where it hurts. So you stand there desperately trying to decipher the root of their discomfort and feel like a total failure if it takes you one minute to long. You feel helpless. And nobody likes to feel helpless.

You want someone who will be supportive and sympathetic. The best way to get what you need is to offer it yourself. Tell him that you understand how difficult and unsettling it can be. Explain that you don’t need them to take the pain away, just be there because the pain makes you afraid or nervous. Ask him if there is something about what you’re going through that scares him. Maybe he’s afraid he’s going to lose you, or that things won’t work out because of your treatments.

He also could possibly be re-evaluating the situation and trying to determine if this is something he can handle. If there were ever two words in the English language that made men uncomfortable, it’s “mood swings.” 🙂

Or maybe he feels as though you’re expecting too much of him, too soon. He could be uncomfortable with playing nursemaid as he thinks that might imply he’s more obligated than he’s ready to be right now. Which could have nothing to do with your health, BTW. Everyone is allowed to decide if a certain situation is right for them. A month and a half isn’t very long. Depending on the quality of your time together thus far, it might be too soon for you to expect this much from him. It’s great that you were upfront about your condition. But it’s one thing to talk about an illness in the hypothetical. It’s a whole other ball of wax to have to deal with it first hand. No doubt you assured him you would be fine. He believed you. Not just because he wanted to, but maybe because he had to. Nobody likes to acknowledge that they’re mortal. We all know we are. But how many of us sit around and wonder how we’re going to die? We don’t. It’s just too scary. Plus, it’s inevitable. There’s nothing we can do to stop it. Talk about powerless. Dwell on that on a regular basis and you won’t leave your house.

I think you need to give this guy some time to adjust. Talk to him and tell him your concerns. Explain the ins and outs of your condition. Educate him. But…be very aware of whether or not you’re using your condition as a way to get him to care more than he does. Don’t use your health as a way to guilt him in to giving you more attention. He’ll resent you for it. You also don’t want to wonder if he’s sticking around because he worries he’ll look like a heel for leaving you.

How Do You Know If They’re Just Looking For a Good Time?

Let me preface this by saying that dating just for the fun of dating without any intention of committing is not wrong or bad. In fact, I think it’s becoming more and more common amongst both genders. Where it becomes and issue is when one party wants something more exclusive and the other doesn’t.

So the question is, how do you determine what the other person can or can’t offer?

Let’s start with some basics.

1. They don’t make concrete plans with you too far in advance – Somebody who wants to make sure they get to spend time with you is going to lock you down for a date AT LEAST 48 hours in advance if not more. If the person you’re seeing can’t make plans or confirm plans less than 24 hours before, and don’t offer up some sort of reason why they can’t solidify plans like they have a pressing job related project or other obligation, it’s probably because they’re weighing their options. Which could mean someone else is on the roster or they have other plans that are more interesting to them, like tickets to a game or whatnot. Whatever that other thing might be, it means you are not high on the priority list.

2. They make a lot of last minute plans – The occasional last minute thing isn’t that big of an issue. It happens. But if this is a common occurrence, there are two possible reasons. 1. Other plans fell through or 2. Whomever else they’re seeing is not around. Yes. That’s right. Meaning you are a side dish, not the main course. Accept the plans once or twice without saying you prefer to have more advanced notice or without sharing that you have other plans around which you need to schedule and they’ll think you’re always going to be available. Flexible is great. But if you frequently find yourself at the other end of the 8pm or 9pm phone call asking you to meet them for a drink, or waiting by the phone on Thursday wondering if you’ll see them that weekend, you’re being taken advantage of.

3. Everything is fun and light, and you two never talk about the future or where things are going. – This conversation is unlikely if you’ve only had a smattering of dates. But if you’ve been consistently seeing each other beyond, say, 5 dates, and you’re sleeping together, and you are both looking for something solid..this conversation needs to be had. I don’t care if they’ve talked about future vacations or weddings or other such nonsense. Talk is cheap, baby. If someone want to be sure that you’ll be in their future, they’re going to lock you down in the present. If they’re avoiding that conversation, it’s because they don’t want to be committed. As long as you say nothing, they’re fine. But speak up and you can bet you’ll have your answer based on how they react. If their behavior changes, that’s your answer.

4. You see each other no more than once a week – I don’t care if they text you every day, or call,  or email you and say the most delicious of things….if, after 4 or 5 dates, you’re not seeing them more than once every 5-8 days, you are casual dating material at best. This will not change. The email conversations and cutesy things are just due diligence, something they’re doing to keep you on the roster. That sounds manipulative and malicious, but it’s really not. They like you. They’re having fun. They’re just either do not want anything more or don’t think you’re the person with which they could have it.

5. You’re not  consistently spending an extended period of time with them. – I’m talking full days or weekends here. The infrequent dinner into a sleepover and then breakfast in the morning does not count. It’s acceptable that someone might not be able to stay over during the week, especially if they work odd hours or a regular 9-5.  Although, after a while (say maybe a couple of months) you and they should have worked out some sort of schedule. During the week they don’t stay over, weekends they do. If they’re looking for a serious relationship, they’re going to spend more and more time with you on a regular basis.

6. You don’t often see them in their natural habitat. – How often do they bring you to their place? Have you met their friends? Co-workers? Do you ever meet them at the office? Do they take you to places they frequent…or to places they’ve “always wanted to try?” This could be me being paranoid but…someone who is always taking you to “new” places, meaning new to them or not in their neighborhood, who also doesn’t incorporate you into their lives to some degree scream “married” or at least “taken.” They’re avoiding the possibility of being caught or seen by someone who knows them. Don’t be fooled just because they meet your friends, either. You want them to integrate you in to their lives. Re: Meeting the family…I don’t think not meeting someone’s family in the first 6 months or so  is necessarily a deal breaker. So many of us come from what we lovingly call dysfunctional families. Sometimes we think we’re protecting them by not introducing them to our relatives.

7.You’re not getting a lot of weekend dates. – We’ve discussed this one before. I still stand by my assertion that, after 3-5 dates, if you’re not regularly getting the full Friday night or Saturday night, you are merely an option on their playlist. The whole point of getting the Friday or Saturday is to spend more time together the next day. In fact, the whole point of dating someone when you’re looking for a serious relationship is to spend as much time with them as possible to determine compatibility. A few hours here and there, with the occasional sleepover, is casual dating territory. Acceptable in the beginning. Not acceptable if it’s been going on for a couple of months or longer and you’re looking for something serious.

8. They don’t have a recent history of committing. – If you ask someone the last time they had a serious relationship, meaning longer than a year, and they haven’t had one of those in a few years,  it’s highly unlikely you’re going to be the one to tame that horse. If they’re divorced, that’s one thing. A lot of people are too thrown through a loop after a divorce and, depending on how long they were married, need significant time to re-adjust. But if this is someone who has never been married and they’re in their late thirties or over then they probably either aren’t anxious to commit because they don’t want to or have to, or they’re just not ready for/are capable of a real relationship. If they are ready/capable and don’t have much recent serious relationship experience, they’ll show you by making themselves available, literally and figuratively.

9. They don’t really commit to themselves. – A lot of people work hard to work out their stuff. Just because someone is of a certain age and not settled down doesn’t mean they’re not good candidates.  Someone who has quit drinking or smoking, or lost weight, or taken up exercise, or gotten their finances in order, or gone to therapy, or gone back to school…That’s a form of commitment. To themselves. That counts, too.  That’s a good thing. You want to see that in a person.You want to know that they are clear about what they want and truly open to having it. No games, no drama, no inconsistent behavior, no excuses. Plenty of people see the error of their ways and decide enough is enough. They decide that they’re ready for something healthy and real and do the work necessary to attain that.  They make changes. If someone is of a certain age and doesn’t really seem to be very settled, and doesn’t appear to be working on getting settled, hasn’t committed to themselves. Which means they probably won’t commit to you.

And I know. Some of you will say that there are exceptions and no dating rules. I agree. But there are some basic guidelines that are typically adhered to that help people determine where they stand.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Are You Always The In Between Guy/Girl?

Name: Lynda |  Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi moxie,
I keep finding myself in the same situation.  I feel like I am always the in between girl.  Like after you break up with the crazy girl (or the long break from dating), but before they get married. I am like the fun girl who gets them out of their shell and into the world and ready to commit, but not to me- to someone else.  I either develop intense friendships with guys where they are always calling me/ wanting to hang out but never make a move.  I inevitibly wind up developing feelings for them.  Then they start dating someone and I get forgotten about. or if it is a guy who I start off dating, by the time I really like them, they dissapear.  I think a lot of guys claim to not like drama, but drama is exciting, and I think I might be too sane.  Also, I don’t know how to let them know I would be interested while still letting them “chase”.  I find myself stepping back from friendships with guys because I wind up always getting hurt.  I dont want to become jaded!  What do you think the problem is? |Age: 32

It sounds like all this could be happening because you’re intentionally seeking out men who are “in between” themselves. If you present yourself as the Good Time Gal Pal, the one who is going to help them get over a heartbreak or forget about a “crazy” ex, then they’re not going to see you as a potential girlfriend. For one, if they’re fresh out of a relationship, they’re probably not looking for anything serious. For two, if you make yourself totally available to these guys and let them talk about their Exes, you’re always going to be in The Friend Zone.

I either develop intense friendships with guys where they are always calling me/ wanting to hang out but never make a move.  I inevitibly wind up developing feelings for them.  Then they start dating someone and I get forgotten about. or if it is a guy who I start off dating, by the time I really like them, they dissapear.

Have you considered the possibility that you’re not as open and available as you think? You’re either dilly dallying with men that, in the past, have proven to never desire a relationship with you OR you’re  holding back with the men that do show interest.Why so guarded?

When I hear someone talk about how they keep dating people who don’t want full on relationships or who don’t return their interest, I assume that person doesn’t really want one either.Once or twice? Okay, that happens. But if this is a consistent pattern and you’re the only common denominator, the issue lies with you. Not them.

You’re doing the right thing by stepping back from men who want to be friends. Those guys are not healthy for you right now. Right now, they’re safe. I don’t think you really want these “friends” to date you. I think you want them to choose you. You want them to anoint you with their seal of approval. By getting them to be interested in you, they’re telling you that you’re better, you’re different, you’re not like other women. Only…you’re not that different. You’re latching on to men that don’t want you, possibly convincing yourself that you care for them. But really, you just want to know you could have them. I think if you finally got one of these guys, you’d lose interest pretty quickly.

I think a lot of guys claim to not like drama, but drama is exciting, and I think I might be too sane.

Umm…I’m guessing that’s not it. I don’t think you’re not not sane. But, see? You’re comparing yourself to these other women. This is why I think that you’re seeking validation from these men and not an actual relationship. This statement doesn’t really even make sense. I mean, really? Men don’t like women who are too sane? Come on. A woman who is “too sane” is a man’s wet dream. The only men who are drawn to “not sane” women are doormats, drama queens and “not sane” themselves. No, this is a lie that women tell themselves to support the inner narrative they have in their head.

You need to address whether or not you actually want a relationship. That’s where you need to start. Until you do you’re going to keep falling in to this pattern.

Article Review: The Plight of The Single Woman

A must read article from The Village Voice

When asked what he thought about the “plight of the single lady”—and women who blame men for the state of dating in the city, a single New Yorker in his twenties admitted, “I see where they’re coming from, but, in a lot of ways, they bring it upon themselves. I think if girls were more withholding, boys would be more likely to commit, but because boys can get most of what they want without having to commit, they do. That implies that all boys want is to hook up, which I don’t think is true, but I think that is a lot of it. That’s why when a girl says, ‘Oh, sure, we can hook up and I won’t be weird about it,’ they end up yelling at you a week later.”

It’s also a fact that, at least in the non-romantic portions of life, understanding and expressing what you want makes achieving it far easier, whatever the “it” is. Yet, by and large, New York City women fail to be specific with men about what they really want and instead just go along with things hoping for the best and getting angry when it doesn’t work out that way. Or they’re so specific, with such intricately wrought lists of requirements for what they will and won’t date, that they miss the point altogether—if the criteria is that complicated, maybe they don’t actually want to be with someone at all yet.

“Rightly refusing to settle,” especially for someone who’s boring, otherwise uninspired, or just a bad choice, sounds pretty good—even empowering. Somewhere along the way, “settling” became a dirty word, evoking visceral reactions of distaste and even disgust, particularly for the strivers among us. Take the negative reactions to Lori Gottlieb‘s book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, which suggests that women who are still single after 35 are just too damn picky.

But I’d argue that it’s not about being picky. It’s about having all of these options, and not knowing how to choose from among them, or whether we even want to. It’s about the years of being told we can have it all, and suddenly being deeply afraid to admit that that house of cards has been a sham all along because no one really gets to have it all.For every loser I’ve screamed at, there have been nice, normal single guys with perfectly acceptable ZIP codes and ages and jobs and habits who never did a thing wrong but for some reason were chucked after the first or second, or maybe even third, date for being boring, predictable, too nice, too normal, not successful enough, or . . . admitted to no one, perhaps not even myself: too available. The scariest of scary words.

If there is a real and current plight of the single lady in New York City, it’s not that New York men are so horrible. It’s figuring out how to balance what you want and what you can get—in terms of love, marriage, and what each guy has to offer—against all of the options. – Jen Doll, author

This was one of my favorite comments. From Michael at The Tao of Bachelorhood

The problem with mating in NYC is not that “savvy, well-educated women hoping to find a mate and settle down are out of luck.” It’s that those who aren’t so savvy, who overrate their education, who have the female version of “Chandler Bing syndrome” are out of luck.

This. This 1000%. The Chandler Bing syndrome. I love it. For those of you that never watched Friends regularly, Chandler Bing Syndrome involves being trapped in your head, self-obsessed, over-analyzing every detail, being emotionally stunted, finding problems where there are none..and never getting past the initial stage of dating someone new. ( I am, most definitely, guilty of being  a Chandler Binger.)

Another great comment:

This is the essence. In today’s age, being a normal, stable guy (also funny, strong, confident, understanding, polite, well-educated etc.) is often not enough. There has to be the excitement, the danger, the mystery, THE DRAMA that appeals to the basest biological instincts. And if that leads to something like 80% of women to compete over 20% of guys (the pump-and-dump drama types), hey, it’s ok! Today’s people are liberated! – Marmot

I don’t have much to add to this. I think the article pretty much says it all. Like I said..I’m guilty of all of this. I would love to get on my soapbox and make snide and condescending remarks about this article, maybe take  a few pot shots at the author for good measure. You know, get defensive.

But much of this article sounds too familiar.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Best of Moxie – Do Men Like Mystery?

Originally Posted Sep 19, 2008 – 55 Comments

Name: Trudie  | Location: New York , New York |Question: Is it okay to ask a guy out?  I have heard mixed answers on this subject, some guys like it, but others find get turned off.  According to the book “He’s Just Not That Into You,” women should not ask a guy out, because the guy misses out on the chase and the woman is not as much of a challenge.  There’s a guy who I’m interested in getting to know better, but I don’t get to see him often.  We e-mail once in a while, but I wonder what’s wrong with me asking him to meet for a drink or something?  It it too pushy?  My girlfriends tell me that I shouldn’t do anything and I should just let him ask me out if he’s interested.  What’s your take on this?|Age: 31

ORIGINAL ANSWER:

Here’s what I believe. If a man is interested and is confident enough, he’ll ask you out. Now, many times are totally clueless as to when a woman is flirting with them. So, our job is to give as many green lights as possible so that he’s aware of your interest and knows the risk of rejection is minimal.

I don’t think asking a man out makes a woman look pushy. I think it makes her look anxious. She’s revealing to the man that she’s interested, which thereby takes away the “chase” so to speak. And, yes, guys enjoy the chase. A slight chase. Why? Because we all want what we think we can’t have.

UPDATED ANSWER – FEBRUARY, 2011:

Let me state, for the record, that I don’t think women should ask men out. Maybe I’m just a throw back, or an Old, but there are just some traditions that I think need to stay in tact. Why do I believe men should ask women out? Because I think people become easily complacent when things are handed to them. When a woman asks a man out and the man says yes, we don’t lose interest, we gain interest. In my opinion, that’s not how it works with most men.

I read a story recently about a woman who met a guy at a party. She and the man, in her opinion, flirted for a good deal of time. Yet the guy never asked for her number. So, at the end of the night, she ran in to the man and asked him “if he wanted her number or what?” Like most men in that situation, he took the number. He called her a couple days later and they went out. The man proceeded to act, well, not so great. He answered his phone, sent texts, frequently turned his attention to the TV.  He didn’t exactly display the most stellar of manners. The woman still went home with them man, which also turned out to be a comedy of errors. Her hopes of salvaging the night were dashed when the guy turned out to be, in her opinion, a pretty awful lover.

My take on this situation was that the guy already knew, because she basically egged him in to taking her number, that she was interested. He had already dismissed her by not asking for her number. That she would further pursue him told him he could act any way he liked and get away with it. And he was right. The date should have ended after the first cocktail or appetizer. Instead it progressed to his bedroom. He was rewarded for his bad behavior. That’s what women need to remember when they convince themselves that they should try to “salvage” a night out and get some sort of return on investment. And FYI..men? Same goes for you. Many of you like to talk about how you’ll go on a date with a woman who act inappropriately, but you’ll “try to get your money’s worth” by getting her to blow you. I realize that you don’t care if she gets some smug satisfaction for that.Just keep in mind that when you do this, you’re telling her that her behavior was acceptable and okay. If you don’t like being used for your wallet, stop rewarding women with little affirmations like allowing her to go down on you. Because if she’s clueless enough to be texting her BFF on a date, she’s clueless enough to think that you’re having sex with her because you find her attractive and not because she just happens to be there. One way to stop bad behavior is to not reward it.

Okay..back to the topic…women asking men out.

So, the woman from the scenario I just mentioned pretty much set herself up, in my mind. She made not only her interest known, but her willingness to overlook possible questionable behavior. This guy went in to the date likely believing that he could do whatever he wanted and this woman would still be interested. He also took a lazy approach to the overall date. He didn’t appear to even try to make a good impression. Why? Because he knew the woman was attracted to him. I don’t think women make the same assumptions when a man asks them out. I don’t believe we assume that we’re “in” just because a man asked for our number.

Men have been doing it for so long that, while they enjoy the change, they can’t fully assume the position of the one being pursued. When they ask a woman out, they know they do it because they’re interested. So they assume the woman is interested since she took the initiative and invited him for a drink. The difference is that a woman would still try to impress the man. The man just gets too comfortable too soon or doesn’t make as much effort as when he did the asking out. (YMMV on this one. Just my opinion. )

To bottom line it: I think most men enjoy not just the sense of challenge that asking a woman out provides, but also find the “mystery” of whether or not she’ll sleep with him arousing. Ask a guy out and, even if you don’t know if you if you want to have sex with him (please…we know in the first couple minutes of conversation), and he knows. He assumes eventual sex is a given.

Game over.

Just Because He Asked You Out Doesn’t Mean He’s Interested

Name: sandy | | Location: new york , ny |Question: A few years back I went on two dates with this guy.  I stopped seeing him because it was two dates and he asked for half the check even though we shared food.  He didn’t even order his own meal.  At the time my life was in bitter turmoil because I was out of work with no end in sight.  My mom and friends encouraged me to talk to him and give him another chance but I refused.  I had feelings for another dude and when that went nowhere, I fell into something with a a 3rd guy.  I eventually started working out of town.  Anyway, the two dates guy kept in contact with me and tried to get me to go with him for while.  I would hear from him at least once a year, around the holidays.  2 years ago, he sent me an album of his sister’s wedding and invited me to go to his friend’s wedding in Mexico.  I just got back into town and was thinking about my new job and of course some other guy.  The other guy didn’t work out and fell into something else with someone at work, which also didn’t work out either.  So here we are 5 years later.  Two dates guy contacted me over the holidays and we had a text convo.  He suggested we hang out in February.  I’m willing to give him another chance because of his persistence.  All I want out of life right now is to be with someone who generally cares about me, will be consistent and I can rely on.  I thought maybe it’s him.  I wanted to go out to see what he was about and if either of us had changed enough to forge ahead together. So I agreed to go out with him in February.  He did refer to it as ‘hanging out.’  Well it’s February and I hadn’t heard from him.  A friend of mine had prodded me to get in contact with him.  I thought about it for a while.  I reasoned that he kept up with me for 5 years while I’ve continually blown him off.  I felt I should show some interest.  So I decided to text him and did so I yesterday.  I talked of the weather and asked how his year was going.  He text me back good, hope it stops snowing and ttyl.  I realize it was a blow off.  My question is why would he even suggest hanging out this month just to blow me off? Probably just his ego, right?  I just wanted an unbiased opinion and them I’m not going to think about this anymore and move on.  Thanks and I appreciate your time and opinion. |Age: 37

 

I wouldn’t give 2 Dates Guy another thought. First of all, the fact that he would only contact you around the holidays, and always contacted you around the holidays each year, tells me this: He hasn’t been able or interested in maintaining anything long term with anyone else. Red Flag. Either he’s not very good at relationships OR he just doesn’t want anything terribly substantive. So we’ve already established the high likelihood that this guy has issues. I’ve been getting monthly emails from a man on Facebook.  I’ve never met him. He emails me every few weeks saying “When am I going to take you for a drink?” The first time it was kind of charming.  However I never responded just because this guy said the two things that will always ensure that I never accept an invitation for a date: “I’ve read your blog”  and “So… blow job classes, eh?” The second time he emailed, I ignored him. I received my SIXTH email from him a few weeks ago. Here’s a fun fact, kids: A man can look like Colin Firth and have a sexy accent and still be douche bag. Don’t let the accent fool you. Just because he says words like “brilliant” and “darling” doesn’t mean he can’t chop your hands off and shove them in a freezer in the basement. Or lie. We give men like this a free pass because we think they’re different because they don’t sound like American Men. They’re not different. Don’t be bamboozled by charm. Charm is fleeting and it lacks substance. It’s a great way to distract you from the fact that there’s no “there” there. Anyhoo….back to the OP.

The next red flag, and a super creepy one, is that he invites you to attend a wedding with him. Um..2 dates. Over a year ago. He barely knows you. He’s not looking for a date. he’s looking for a buffer that he can schlep around so Noni and Poppi don’t ask any questions and so people don’t inquire why Cousin Two Date Guy “hasn’t met the right girl and settled down yet.”

He bailed because he has issues. That’s all you need to know. No need to drill it down further and try to determine just what his issues were. Boyfriend has ’em. Enough said.

Now..let’s talk about you, shall we?

All I want out of life right now is to be with someone who generally cares about me, will be consistent and I can rely on.

That sounds fair. Just one question….what will you be bringing to the table? You’re examining the behavior of men, analyzing it, judging it. But what about you? You blew off Mr. 2 Dates because he didn’t offer to cover the tab for food you shared on a second date. It’s all about you and what these men to impress and take care of you. What do you have to offer in return?  From the letter, you seem rather scattered and unsettled. You frequently find yourself in dead end situations. So…what about you should make a guy want to get his act together and prove his worth to you?

I’m not saying you don’t have amazing qualities. I’m sure you do. But when you approach these situations with the mentality that it’s all about what the relationship can/should do for you, and not what it can do for both of you, then it’s no wonder you keep chasing your tail.

I think you’re looking for a relationship to make your life easier. Which is perfectly okay. But you should want a relationship to enhance what you already have. Not improve or complete it. If you’re unsettled, the people you are drawn to or attract will also be unsettled. That’s how it works.

 

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When Can a Booty Call Work?

Name: kinlah | | Location: Islip , New York |Question: When does a booty call get old?  I have been seeing this guy on and off for the past five years, and although this relationship is very convenient, it also is getting kind of old.  He is now 49 and when we first met it was amazing, now time is kind of playing against him. Plus I want more in a relationship, more than the relationship can ask for.  And although the only option right now is to leave, I seem to keep going back. So at this point I question whether I am attached to the man. Or using him as a way to not pursue a real relationship?  |Age: 32

If you want more, and you know this guy can’t give it to you, then you have to make a concerted effort to find someone who can. That is, if you really want such a relationship. If you keep going back to this guy and aren’t actively trying to meet available men, then I question of you really do want something “more.” So you’re first step is really figure out what it is you want, and what you can handle. Because you can have one of these relationships in your life and want to find a mate. It just takes some compartmentalization in your head. You have to be able to turn off any thoughts off this other guy. You have to be able to pretend that this man does not exist in your life save for the times you and he get together. What you do with this man should not factor in to how you interact with other men. If you can’t do that, then get out now.

Let’s approach this from a different angle:

How do you know when you’re getting too attached to or using a casual relationship as some sort of placebo or excuse for not engaging in a real relationship?

Well, here are some ways you can tell: (Note: You can be attached to the situation, and not necessarily the man or woman you’re sleeping with.)

1. You know you’re getting too attached (or got too attached too quickly) when your mood is dependant on whether or not you see or hear from your lover.

2. You over-analyze everything they say

3. You question the validity of their reasons for why they can’t get together

4. You get hurt when they tell you that, at the end of the day, they are moderately interested at best, have met someone, have a date, etc.

I’m someone who, dependent on where I’m at in my head, can take a huge hit to my self-esteem by getting involved in these situations. When I do, at least now, I know that the fact that I am doing it means something is off with me. And instead of pursuing these arrangements, I should go to an ashram somewhere and meditate on why I feel I need that.

The worst time to take part in these NSA/Casual whosidoos is when you’re already vulnerable. Like you’re fresh off a break up, or feeling not good enough, or had a string of rejection in the form of Match.com dates. This is why I urge people to take a mini-break if they have gone on more than 2 unsuccessful first dates from any online dating service in a six-week period. Take. A. Break. Regroup. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself or at least happy. Consistent rejection or disappointment just is not good for the psyche, ladies and gentleman.

What’s an ideal casual/NSA arrangement? How do I find someone who isn’t going to treat me like gum on the bottom of their shoe?

Well,  here’s the kicker. Nobody can make you feel anything. So the first thing to do is  plug-in to yourself and make sure you’re truly comfortable and confident enough to engage in this situation. If you feel like gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe, regardless of how your lover treats you, you’re going to perceive things in a certain way and assume they are treating poorly.

As for how to shop for someone who would make a fun, yet respectful, casual sex partner? I don’t think there is any way to know who is going to show you courtesy and be honest and who isn’t. That’s what makes these situations so messy.

I was having a similar conversation with Tad, a man I’ve known for about 8 1/2 years. We were talking about how neither of us (well, let’s face it, me) have ever gotten attached to our on again/off again “arrangement.”  The key, I think, is that he never  we genuinely got along and had things in common. We also kept conversations and interactions limited and contained. While sometimes we’d meet out for drinks, for the most part he’d come over, we’d hang, we’d have a couple of drinks and then do our thing. He’d stay for a little while. Then leave. I always knew what I was getting and where I stood. But that didn’t happen the first few times we hung out. We had to establish a baseline with each other to gauge what was each other’s normal. Once we did that, it was smooth sailing. We developed a genuine friendship over time, which tends to help avoid the gum on the bottom of the shoe stuff. There was a point where I felt I was relying too heavily on him, and I had to cut him out. I was starting to question him, and that’s a bad sign, as these situations really don’t have much room for that. Time went by when we didn’t speak. Then we got back in touch again, and things have been even better only because we’ve become real friends without (much) sex. We’ve hung out plenty of times where there has been no physicality. So, while I don’t know if booty calls can lead to real relationships, I do believe they can blossom in to genuine friendships. But if you think or feel or hope that this person you’re casually sleeping with “could” be something more? Don’t do it. Meaning…don’t engage in a casual situation. Either tell them upfront how you feel and see if there’s promise or avoid, avoid, avoid.

Will casual sex interfere with my desire to have a real relationship?

I think that depends. It is very easy to become dependent on these situations. Especially if you truly want an emotionally intimate relationship. When that’s what you desire, then it’s hard to keep those feelings locked up or dormant. It’s highly likely, if finding a substantive and committed relationship is your main goal, that all those feelings and desires and longing is going to be projected on whomever you decide to temporarily share your bed. Where I think it really becomes an issue is when you engage in these situations in an ongoing fashion. If this is what you accept time and time again, and you’re going on dates and out meeting new people, and you’re always finding something wrong with the person or just not “in to it” (note I didn’t say “them”) then that’s a really good sign that you’re using these situations as a way to avoid real intimacy. You can get too dependent on these people who take up this fluid space in your life. It all depends on where you’re at emotionally and mentally. When you find yourself getting complacent about dating or going out, you have to fight that urge to just sit home and send a booty text. Go out, even if it’s for an hour or so, just to keep yourself in the head space of someone emotionally available.

 

A Girl’s Gotta Eat!

True or False?

Never really understood this concept.  I used to go out on dinner dates all the time when I could easily afford it and I can’t think of a single time when I felt taken advantage of.  Usually, the woman viewed it as a sign that I was more interested than I was and so the effect was, if anything, they got taken advantage of much more so than I ever did.   Wow, really? I had to pay for dinner?  Um…. ok.   I’m willing to bet that, for all these women who claim a “girl’s gotta eat” that THEY are getting played much more often than the guy is. – Anonymous

True or False: Women Are Hard Wired To Be Monogamous

I just want to point out that the average emotionally healthy woman does not want to have sex with more than 1 man at a time not because she fears feeling like a slut. Instead, it is due to biological drive. We aren’t hardwired to have sex with multiple partners in the same way you guys are. – Vox

Where I disagree with Vox is that men are conditioned or wired to screw as many women as they can, whenever they can.  I really wish we could get away from that stereotype, as I think many people like to fall back on that to explain why some men do certain things. Sometimes it’s not about biology. Sometimes they’re just assholes who suffer from entitlement or a fragile ego. Those two character flaws are hardly gender specific and most certainly not based on biology.

I’m also not able to agree that women are wired to prefer monogamy*. Do I think we run more of a risk of getting attached? Yes. Do I think that there’s a biological reason for that? Yes. But I do not believe that women are “wired” to avoid* having multiple partners. I think all of that shame stuff comes from external sources, like parents or the media or religious beliefs, not internal wiring.

Your thoughts?

*ETA: As one commenter pointed out, I didn’t read Vox’s original comment correctly. Where I disagree is that we are “wired” to not engage in sexual experiences with more than one partner in any given time period. Nor do I agree that men are “wired” this way, as it implies that they have no control over their actions and choices.

Should The Word Promiscuous Be Banished?

OK, I’ll admit it. I see red when I see the words “spread your legs,” “keep your thighs shut” or anything of that nature. It’s an unnecessarily graphic and crude visual, it implies that women alone have a gatekeeper function when it comes to sex (that a woman’s legs or thighs are the only thing preventing a guy from having his way sexually, and consent has no role), and it reinforces the golden vagina syndrome (the women who spread their legs easily are the ones failing to sufficiently guard their precious treasure.) Also, I don’t see nearly as much use of “stop whipping your dick out,” or “keep it in your pants, and a number of women use it to refer to other women in a way they would never demean men. Think what you want about women who have — or don’t have — casual sex. But try to be a bit more respectful when it comes to your contempt for their bodies, ok? – Paula

Paula, women *have* had a gatekeeper role in sex for like, a thousand generations, we’ve had the Pill for only 50 years. You can demand that people’s expectations change all you want, you can’t make it so. Life’s not fair. Despite best intentions, we all will subconsciously judge a promiscuous woman negatively. – Joey G.

Actually, Joey, it’s really only the last 50 years that women have had a gatekeeper role — before that, they were either considered property of their husband, or forced to submit to arranged marriages, where you legally couldn’t be raped by your husband.It was actually an advancement that women had enough control over their sexuality to play any sort of role over it. But we’re not going to reach true equality until both women and men have the ability to exert control over their own sexuality, where it’s not one gender’s primary responsibility.I’d love to be persuasive enough to change how people think, but right now, I’d settle to change the language they use. If it remains in their thoughts, there’s not much I can do about it.And please speak for yourself — I don’t judge a promiscuous woman negatively, and would love to banish that word from the lexicon. It’s also mostly applied to women: when’s the last time you heard “promiscuous man?” He’s usually called a stud, and we use “manwhore” to distinguish him from the whore default, which is a woman, of course.I’m much more likely to negatively judge someone who hypocritically tries to hide their own sexual desires and/or sexual activity while judging everyone else’s. But I pretty much feel that way about all hypocrites. – Paula

 

Thoughts?