Is He Down About Not Getting It Up?

Name: Was It Me?  |  | Location: New York, NY |Question: I’ve had three dates with a man I met online. He’s 44. On the third date we went back to his place after a late dinner.  By the time we got back to his place it was almost 1am. This was the first night things actually went beyond make out sessions at my door. When we took things to the bedroom, he was unable to get an erection. I gave it my best effort but he just was not responding. Nothing. I asked him if he was okay and if it was me. He said it wasn’t. We spent a few more hours together and then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been almost a week. Was it me? Was he just not attracted to me?
|Age: 37

 

First, consider the possibility that his erectile issue and not calling you might be mutually exclusive. One might not have anything to do with the other.

Next, while there’s a possibility that he just wasn’t attracted to you, if there was no reaction at all – meaning he couldn’t get marginally hard – then it’s more likely that the issue was psychological or physiological. Many men have sex with women they aren’t at all attracted to and manage to get erect. The sensation of being touched or stroked alone should cause most men to get at least somewhat aroused, regardless of how attracted they are to the woman. They could stroke and touch themselves to “chub up” (I hate that phrase) just so they don’t get embarrassed.

Late night, big work project. Not only was he probably exhausted, but also stressed out. Those two factors could explain A LOT.

Yes, it’s possible he’s not calling because of this incident. But only because he’s embarrassed. So why not call him? Act like nothing happened. Don’t bring it up. Don’t try to “talk about it.” If you two were more serious and knew each other better you could have that conversation. Right now, he’s too vulnerable. He’s already in his head. So maybe let the physical stuff take a back seat for a date or two. Just until his work project is done and he’s less tired or stressed out.

Now, if things continue along this path, and he shows signs of persistent erectile dysfunction, you’re going to have to address it.  Is it an ideal situation? No, especially if sex is important to you. Is it a manageable one? Sure. But that depends on how much you like someone.  These sort of issues, as well as various other medical issues, are more common as we get older. If you were going through menopause and your sex drive was all over the place or, as it can happen, non-existent…would you want to be treated as if you weren’t a fully functioning potential partner?

I’m not downplaying the importance of sex in a relationship. But when it’s the main focus I wonder why. Great sex can make up for a lot of things. But for how long? And what do you do when it’s not a go to option anymore? That’s what I wonder when I hear people go on and on about how important sex is to them. Sometimes I think the ones who dwell on it the most and make it sooo important do so because it’s all they have, all they can offer, or all they’re capable of having.

Like I said above, great sex can compensate for a lot, but if you’re emotionally crippled or otherwise unbearable to be around, even being a great lay won’t help you. You’ll still get dumped like a hot rock in a shirt period of time. If you find that happening to you, maybe it’s time to focus on your interpersonal skills and emotional availability.

 

Does Their Digital Footprint Mean They’re Cheating

Question:Who keeps an active online dating profile while in a committed relationship?

Answer: Someone who was never in a committed relationship in the first place

 

This was a topic that came up at our recent Online Dating Profile Writing & Review Workshop and it was a theme that a series of dating bloggers wrote about recently.

Here’s my first bone with this whole skulking around the Facebook page and various online dating sites in order to check up on the person you’re dating:

Just because it says “Active in X hours/Days” doesn’t mean the user was actually active. One of the guys who attended our workshop this weekend was telling people that more than one dating website inflates their active user numbers and have employees logging in to people’s accounts just so their profile will show up as active. Therefore, you really have no idea if the person had actually recently logged on. 

I deleted my Match account months ago. But my friends or readers still send me profiles to review.  My cookies are set so that I’m never logged out of Match.com. So if I click that link, guess what? I’m “active.” I’m not contacting anyone, I’m not looking through profiles for personal use. I just happen to be on the site.

I have NO DOUBT that there are people who are in exclusive relationships who cheat online. However, I don’t agree that just because someone shows up on a dating site as being active in the recent past means they were up to no good. If I were to guess, I’d say it’s at best a 50/50 chance that your partner is cheating. Match.com STILL sends me emails almost every other day telling me so and so wants to connect with me. Out of curiosity, I’ll log in. I’m not actively using the website.  It’s absolutely, totally possible to be involved with someone and be committed and still be curious.

If you do decide to monitor the online activity of someone you’re dating (hello, first sign something is up either with you or the relationship) be prepared to find out something you don’t want to know.This is why I hate, hate, HATE the whole Twitter/Facebook/Online Dating stalking idea. You’re going to find something that is going to create suspicion. Then you’re faced with having to tell the person you were monitoring that you were checking up on them. Now you’re looking a little crazy.

This works both ways, too. If you’re someone who likes to announce every thought you have on Twitter or Facebook or your blog, and you know the person you’re dating can easily find all your social media connections, expect that behavior to be used against you. Bottom line, at least for women….if you’re someone who likes to publicly vent, participate/thrive off of drama or actively seek attention online….few men with their shit together will want to engage you beyond casual sex. The ones who do engage you, more than likely, are also attention seeking drama queens. At best these men will be amused by you, but they’ll rarely take you seriously.  By being one of those people, you’re basically tattooing I NEED A LOT OF ATTENTION across your back.  Very, VERY few men are going to risk being your next victim or be used as fodder so people can “like” your status updates.

If you’re a guy who likes to use these platforms to flirt with women, listen up. While I would never tell a man what to do, if I saw that he was regularly flirting with women via Facebook or Twitter, I’d think twice about whether or not he’s ready for a real relationship and if I’ll always have to watch him to some degree. If you have a girlfriend, a boyfriend or a spouse and you frequently engage single people online, you’re suspect in my eyes. It’s a quick jump from Facebook Flirting to web camming.

Let’s say you’re not up to no good. If the person you’re dating is someone who is inclined to monitor your digital footprint, you could be in for an uphill battle. Everything you say will be put under a microscope. It starts with Facebook and soon they’re snooping in your phone and telling you they “happened” to see something questionable. Sorry, you don’t “happen” to see a text on someone’s phone, even if the phone is lying there on the table. You choose to look. This is where all the scars we accrue from past relationships rear their heads. If you’ve dated a series of players, douchebags or golddiggers, then that’s about you. No need to make every other person that comes after pay for that. Deal with your crap and don’t try to poison everyone else’s experience.

Oh..and before you check to see if they’re “cheating” make sure you’re actually exclusive. It’s odd to me that someone could be in an exclusive relationship and their  partner is so clueless that they’re letting the other people they’re dating post their cutesy, flirty banter on in their Facebook Wall. One, how stupid do they think you are? Two, how do they have so much time to be exclusive with you and courting all these other people? Before you start playing Nancy Drew, be sure you know where you stand and the relationship isn’t all in your head. Want to know where you stand? Ask them. Don’t use their online behavior as “proof.” Especially if you have a habit of dating sketchy people.

If it’s not explicitly stated that you and someone else are not seeing or sleeping with anyone else, I don’t care what label they give you or what you think is the case, you both are still free agents. Never assume you’re exclusive. Want exclusivity? Ask for it. Don’t gather ammunition to use against them and try to guilt them in to loving you.

Something else that we brought up in the workshop was that a lot of people don’t bother to delete, shut down, privatize their dating profiles or change their relationship status on Facebook. It didn’t even occur to me until a few weeks ago to make my profile invisible to searches. I just don’t think about those things. I think it’s dangerous to assume that someone should just know to do this. Some people just don’t give it much thought.

The big question that arose at the workshop was when to have The Talk. No, not that talk. The Talk where you discuss taking down your profiles. So now we’ve added yet another conversation we have to have with people we’re dating?

Have any of you had this conversation with someone you were dating? How did it go?

 

Best of Moxie – Why is Her Partner Password Protected?

Originally Posted  July 15, 2009 – 27 Comments  

Name: OF | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie.  I’m having a privacy vs. secrecy issue with my fiancee.  We’ve been living together for 8 months and just got engaged.  Do you think its right of me to want to have access to his personal email account?  I know its such a gray area. Most married couples I’ve spoken to have access to each other’s accounts, though they don’t snoop out of respect.  but there is also no apparent secrecy between them.  I can’t even use his Black Berry bc he has a password on it due to email access.  I don’t have any reason to think that he is cheating or anything, but its becoming hard to accept that I’m marrying a guy who wants to keep such a major part of his life a secret.  Even if he is not doing anything wrong, it makes it seem like he is. Thanks. |Age: 32

People need to have some things that are just for them. They have to. It doesn’t mean they are hiding something or up to no good. He doesn’t want you to see the porn his friends sends him, or the emails from exes who check in “just to say hi” that he has no intention of ever seeing again. We all need that place where we go where we can be who we are without having to answer questions or be made to feel wrong or foolish. We need to have something that’s just for us so we don’t feel completely suffocated. I’m sure you can understand that.

Maybe it’s me, but I’m seeing more and more people pay closer attention to their privacy. Facebook pages are shut down to select groups. Tweets are protected. Far less Foursquaring or letting everyone know you’re not at home and are open to being robbed. People are creating separate email accounts for their online dating profiles just so nobody can trace their address and find their social networks. And…people are even setting up Google Talk accounts or not giving their phone number out at all because someone can go to an online website, type in their number, and find out their real name.

How about the people that you meet online, exchange one photo or a couple emails, but decide there’s no attraction or interest who continue to email you over and over again for literally months? Yeah, that’s a good reason not to use your primary email address for online dating.  In general, I think more people are aware of how vulnerable they make themselves by creating a digital or mobile trail.

Just because your guy won’t or hasn’t given you his password doesn’t necessarily mean he’s keeping secrets.Or maybe he is…just not his. He could have communications from clients on his phone or computer, or friends or even family.  I lock my phone because I don’t want to send butt calls to people when I’m out and about. And because I don’t want just anybody looking through my phone. It’s not that I have anything to hide. I just don’t like people – strangers or not – pawing through my pantie drawer.  The fact is that even the most innocent of messages or texts can be construed as shady depending on the timing and context.

When a man doesn’t automatically reveal things to us, it doesn’t mean he’s leading some secret life. We, as women, find sharing common and easy. It’s how we build our friendships. Men don’t really think that way. They are a bit more cautious. Not because they don’t trust us but because, I think, they don’t like feeling pressured in to giving up too much control.

If there’s other behaviors that have you concerned, like a change in lifestyle or defensive reactions to request for access to his laptop, then I’d be more concerned. But if he just doesn’t want to give out his password and everything else seems “normal” then I wouldn’t be too concerned. And remember…just because he won’t give you the password now doesn’t mean he never will.

 

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Best of Moxie – The Cost of Proposing

Originally Posted April, 2009 – 100 Comments

Name: Sticker Shocked | | Location: Washinton, DC , DC |Question: Hey Moxie-So my boyfriend of 4 years has made a few hints and he is shopping  for an engagement ring for me for my birthday.  He went online last night and he showed me a couple of different styles he was looking at.  He was on the hush, hush because he wanted to keep it as a surprise.  Well today I get this text message that said “I am still in sticker shock at how much the ring I want to get you cost…WOW”  I texted him back and said..how much is it and he texted back…the one he was looking at was $4,000.   Is it just me or would you get  your feelings hurt/pissed over that message.  I know 4K is a lot of money, I know that.  He did say that I was worth it and he would do what it took to get the ring for me but now I feel like the whole thing has gone sour.I thought his comment was tacky, there are so many women that would totally laugh at a 4K engagement ring, I don’t really care how much it cost but don’t bitch at me about it.  Thoughts??  Pissed or not pissed?  |Age: 30’s

He really did take the bloom off that rose, didn’t he? His comment about the price of the ring was inappropriate and a complete buzz kill. Was he trying to make you feel bad? I don’t think so. I think he was just being a bit clueless. Or he was intentionally trying to mislead you to maintain some element of surprise.

Maybe it’s me, but I’d want the whole thing to be a surprise. Yeah, that’s the 22-year-old in my that still hangs on to that fantasy of the romantic proposal. I guess that’s naive.

For all you know, he’s totally yanking your chain and bought you a different ring and is trying to throw you off. But when you get frustrated or upset about this situation, remember this. You have a guy that is pledging the rest of his life TO YOU. While lots of women might complain about a 4K price tag, there are just as many women who secretly wish they were in your shoes.

I’ve never been a big jewelery person. I do, however, relate to and understand the excitement over seeing that ring for the first time. To me, that ring represents a promise. It makes a statement of intent. It does not, however, inform me of my worth or my value. I really dislike this idea that a piece of jewelery is indicative of my contribution to a relationship or society. You can’t put a monetary value on that. Suggesting that a man buy you jewelery, or that you should buy it for yourself, so you can be reminded of how great you are or how much you “deserve it” really rubs me the wrong way. It reeks of entitlement. It also perpetuates this stereotype that women are all materialistic. Buy those items because you love them. Not to prove something to yourself or anyone else.

The greatest Christmas gift I ever received from a man was a $2.00 card he bought for me in the lobby of our building were we worked. To this day I have that card in a scrapbook of sorts next to old photos of us. Those are the items I go back to when I want to be reminded of what it feels like to be cared for and matter to someone. Not a necklace or a ring. I don’t need to be reminded of Marilyn Monroe or some other starlet or some sitcom character. I don’t want to be them. Know why? Because they were all either emotionally tortured or fictional.

 

 

 

 

What’s Your Recipe For Great Sex?

I disagree with some of this stuff. Enthusiasm goes a long way. But, for me, a woman’s looks go much, much further to create good sex than anything that she can “do” to impress me. A really hot woman can literally just “lie there” and I’d still be pretty happy. After that, novelty is most important. So, all else equal, someone new to me is better than someone I’v known a long time. Maybe that’s TMI or just me. Sorry.

As for this:

“Everything – the head, the heart and the loins – all converge and create this intense, tempestuous experience that leaves you depleted. You can’t quantify it, or explain it, or define it. It’s electric. Their touch sends shivers down your body. Their gaze while you’re physically connected is unbroken. They react with subtle yet guttural moans and sighs at the sensation of your lips and mouth. You’re both right there, present in the moment, acting and reacting.”

All that can be faked. People will act or tell you how great the sex is because it makes you feel good and not because the sex is anything special. As I said above, doesn’t take much for sex to be really great. (Thank goodness for that) So, in general, I don’t believe in special “sexual chemistry” between two people. It’s mostly in the mind of the person who thinks they’re experiencing it. – DMN

that’s true. i usually lie there most of the time and my BF doesn’t seem to mind. He loves to just see my body. but he has to work for it, of course, because the physical appearance is not equal. – Phil

 

I’ll get to DMN in a second. Phil (who is a female), if you’re just lying there, and he’s pumping away on top of you, he’s probably not really looking at your body. I’m not sure how or why you would ever think that was a compliment. I’m not sure what exactly he’s working for, other than his own orgasm, because if you’re just lying there like a fish you’re probably not getting off. That might work with a guy who isn’t your physical equal or desperate. But with most men, men with options, that’s going to get your tight round ass dropped like a hot rock.

As for you DMN….I’ve said before that I don’t believe in this whole idea of chemistry. But I do believe in compatibility and that certain pairs of people can be better sexually compatible than others. I also think a lot of how you define “great sex” is based on what you’re needs and intentions are. If your goal is just to get off, then you’re right. Most if not all sex will be “great sex.”

I’m not sure how many people have seen the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane. If you have, then you’ll understand what I’m talking about when I say that there’s just some sex that you have that transcends other experiences. You can’t put your finger on why it’s so good, either. You just know that when you’re experiencing it. You’re not in full control any more. Something just takes you over. It’s this special recipe of attraction and emotion and tension and maybe even a little resistance. Like you don’t fully let yourself go or you hold back to some degree because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll totally lose yourself in it.

Could I be projecting my own fantasies of my lover? Sure. But I’d like to think I’m a bit more honest with myself than to convince myself of something that doesn’t exist. I’m not suggesting that we engage in some kind of mind meld. He has his own definition and perception of things, I’m sure. But I know he and I agree that what we experience is undefinable, intense and mutual.

Some people lie. I’m not arguing that.

But some people don’t. Not everyone is filling their lover’s head with lies just to get in to their shorts.

 

 

 

Are You And Your Mate Attached At The Hip?

Here’s an interesting question that came to me via Twitter:

Is it a deal breaker if my BF doesn’t want to hang out with me and my friends, & just wants it the 2 of us all the time?…not just with friends but going as my +1 in events, he says it torture/awkward for him to meet people. I don’t understand. He has gone w/ me 2 events a few times but I need to come up w/ elaborate explanation everytime. Any advice pls? Thanks! in 8 months we’ve been together, he’s gone with me to social events a total of 4 times. Sometimes I “deceive” him and ask him to meet me where the party is at, but that’s towards the end so he can’t really get mad, & we go off to do own thing

I asked her why it was so important that her boyfriend attend these events with her.

So he can meet my friends, social events he went w/ me 2: designer launch,cousin’s grad BBQ, Hamptons event, Halloween party and also so we can spend time together, I don’t ask him to go to birthday parties of friends, just the major ones. I go to .A lot of social events and people always ask me where he is and I just say he’s an introvert and doesn’t like meeting ppl

I suggested that maybe he doesn’t like feeling like he’s  in the spotlight or being trotted out like a show pony.

I want him to enjoy going 2 these events with me, & if it’s important 2 me, shouldn’t he agree 2 go

I guess what I don’t understand is that you say you want him to meet your friends, but you don’t invite him to your friend’s birthday parties. It sounds like, and this could be off base because I have limited info, that you invite him to big, PRish events. If he doesn’t like huge events like that because he feels awkward, then I’d think smaller, more intimate gatherings with friends or people you know would actually be better.

Many of us like bringing our mates to parties. We’re in to them, or we’re in love, and we want everybody to know it. Where that becomes an issue is if you’re using the relationship to gain you some kind of social proof. Like, “See! I have a BOYFRIEND!” That’s when our mates tend to shy away from going to bigger events.  They feel like one of those dogs at the Westminster Dog Show being trotted around that red turf. They end up feeling like  a prop and not a person.

Your Boyfriend might actually feel uncomfortable for you in those situations. He might not say that to you, but that could be what he’s feeling. Maybe he’s sensing your insecurity or possible need for approval and just doesn’t want to see you like that?

I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell people that your mate doesn’t like meeting people. You’re his girlfriend. Part of that job means presenting your mate in the best light possible. You shouldn’t have to make excuses for him. And you definitely shouldn’t be putting him down in any way. Just say he wasn’t available or had something else to do. If these functions are work related, the ideal reason for his absence could be that this is part of your job and you want to be available to speak with clients or colleagues.

Sometimes I “deceive” him and ask him to meet me where the party is at, but that’s towards the end so he can’t really get mad,

He’s entitled to feel however he likes. Especially if you trick him in to doing something he doesn’t like to do. If you have to lie to him to get him to do something, then that’s a bad sign. If you keep trying to force him in to doing something he doesn’t care to do, you could end up pushing him away.

I want him to enjoy going 2 these events with me, & if it’s important 2 me, shouldn’t he agree 2 go

But it sounds like he does go to you to these things. He just doesn’t go to all of them. I don’t think , just because he’s your boyfriend, he’s obligated to accommodate every whim you have. He can be supportive in other ways, not just the ways you think he should demonstrate.

Two people can have autonomy in a relationship and still be solid. In fact I think it’s healthy to have certain interests that do not include your partner. It helps maintain a little mystery, I think.  It’s not necessarily a bad sign that he doesn’t want to go to these events. They’re just not his thing. I bet there are things he does that you don’t have much interest in, no?

I assume you went to these events before you had him in your life. So what’s changed?

You need to figure out why it’s so important to you that he be on your arm at these events.

Looking for new, fresh questions to post on our website……

SUBMIT YOUR DATING ADVICE QUESTIONS HERE: http://moxieinthecity.net/ask-email.php

No contact info is publicized or shared – It’s anonymous and free to ask a question. Get feedback from dozens of singles and coupled up men and women ages 25-50