Is There Really a Lid for Every Pot?

Name: ConfusedinCali | | Location: Burbank , CA |Question: Moxie, I知 confused, frustrated,and tired of playing this dating game.

When did getting into relationships get so complicated, or have they always been this way? It seems like for some people, finding a long-term mate is relatively simple. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Move in with each other, and at some point get married. Relatively simple.

But where does that leave the rest of us? The ones who just have a hard time coming across anyone who is somewhat decent?

I知 writing this from the perspective of a divorcee who is just confused about all the mixed messages about dating that are thrown out there- you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.

What gives? Are there just outliers in this world who are destined to never be in LTRs and maybe we should just get over it and move on with our lives?
|Age: 33

Well, I think the first adjustment you need to make is to stop looking for a “marriageable” man and simply seek one who is capable of and desiring of a relationship and commitment. The number of men and women who do not believe in marriage is growing. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to meet someone with whom they can settle down or have a long term partnership. They’re just not keen on the institution of marriage itself. It’s not due to a bitterness or cynicism towards love or monogamy or commitment. These people just don’t feel marriage is the only way two people can forge a life together. There are plenty of people to whom marriage is the end goal. I just don’t think they’re as common as they were 10+ years ago.

Now, as to why some people have more luck finding a relationship than others. I think, believe it or not, a lot of it has to do with practice and basic skill. Some people are better at algebra than others. Some people are better at playing an instrument than others. Dating really isn’t so different. If you have the desire, and you have the right attitude, and you’re willing to do the work, anything is achievable. Yes, some people have natural ability. But here’s what I’ve found. Those people with natural ability all share one thing: limitless thinking. They never think they can’t do something.

My uncle was a natural athlete. Any sport, he excelled. His brother, My Dad, had to work at it. He still excelled, but it wasn’t as easy for him. It took him longer and he took more hits. But, eventually, he got there.  My Dad is a thinker.  He’s cautious. He weighs the pros and cons. He never believed that anything came easy, that you had to work at it. If it came too effortlessly, it wasn’t real or wouldn’t last.   My uncle just..did. He never questioned why, he never let those doubts creep in to his head. He just acted. Make note that both men eventually got to the same place.  It just took one longer.

Some people approach dating the same way. They don’t over-analyze anything. They don’t question their abilities. They don’t dwell on mistakes. They just..date.

you have people saying that in order to meet a marriageable man, a woman needs to be independent and be able to carry her own weight in the world. And then you have others who say that a woman needs to NEED a man for whatever reason, financial or emotional.

Well, no. This is where you’re processing things based on your inner narrative. A woman can be independent and self-sufficient and still need someone. By “need”, most people mean be emotional available and be willing to be vulnerable. You’re the one tacking on the “financial or emotional.” In order for people to have a successful relationship, both parties have to be willing to “need” each other. They can’t see that as a sign of weakness. If someone refuses to let someone in, or allow someone to help them, or are afraid to be themselves, then they are going to have a hard time finding a healthy relationship. That’s not about a shortage of men or women. That’s about them and their limited way of thinking. If that’s how you see life, then that’s exactly what you’re going to find. This isn’t about the Law of Attraction or any sort of woo woo type of principle. If you’ve convinced yourself the sky is green, the sky is green to you.

This mentality that “all the good ones are taken” or “there are no decent men/women” is just defeatist propaganda. I honestly think it’s just a way for people to deter others from pursuing a relationship.   It’s bullshit. There are plenty of great, healthy, loving, available people out there.

You just don’t want them. For whatever reason. Maybe you don’t really want a relationship. Maybe you’re afraid. Maybe because you’re dead set on a certain type and don’t see yourself with anyone else.  I don’t know. But I do know that people nowadays are far too quick to dismiss people and blame society or others as to why they’re single. Sorry, but if someone is constantly struggling,  constantly disappointed, constantly griping…the problem is them.And it usually starts with their attitude.

Do I believe there is a lid for every pot? No. Everybody doesn’t get a ribbon. Life just doesn’t work that way. But I think you’re more likely to succeed (without and hard and fast guarantees) if you have the right attitude, are open minded and deal with whatever it is that is holding you back.

(Tangent up ahead.)

Yeah, I know. I’m finger pointing. (Guess which finger I’m wagging right now??) Learn to deal. I feel a need to defend my..what’s that word…community of dating advice people, dating experts and coaches. I’m beyond annoyed with this constant barrage of smarm and self-righteous/phony smugness directed at those of us who do what we do, accusing us of trying to make people feel bad about themselves. One, nobody can make you feel anything. Two, if you’re going to insist over and over that you’re so content being single, then how come you never say you prefer to be single? Why are you constantly on the merry go round that is online dating (other than you just need shit to blog about) ? How come you always qualify your statements with things like “Well, I’d like to be in a relationship but…I won’t settle/lower my standards” etc?(Those standards surely do come in handy, don’t they?)  That’s not the same as preferring to be single. If you would rather be in a relationship, and can’t seem to make that happen, then something is getting in the way. Is it wrong to suggest that, since you’re the only common denominator, that maybe the problem is within your control?

You want to talk about negativity fatigue? How about all the stories being filtered out through certain networks and Twitter about people being used and abused, pumped and dumped, lied to, cheated on and generally mistreated? Or about the stories about being judged and sized up by strangers because you’re single and how society is just so terribly threatened by you or how dismissed you are for being single? Or about how everyone you know that is in a relationship or is married is fucking miserable in some regard? Or the ones about how people refuse to settle and who blow off people because, I don’t know, they ordered too much food on a date? Worse, why are you so proud of the fact that nothing ever works out and all you attract is unavailable, abusive assholes? If dating is so taxing, and you’re so thrilled about being single, then stop doing it and stop bitching.

When are we, or anyone, allowed to suggest that maybe the string of frustrations or unhealthy experiences that certain people have are about them? What’s the quota that needs to be hit? How many stories do we have to hear before we’re allowed to suggest that someone be accountable? Or should we just tip toe around you so as to avoid hurting your delicate sensibilities while you regularly lash out at us?  If you don’t need us, and have such little disregard for us, then ignore us.

There isn’t some conspiracy out there that was designed to make you feel incomplete. Trust me. It ain’t all about YOU, no matter how badly you wish it were.

Are You Always The In Between Guy/Girl?

Name: Lynda |  Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi moxie,
I keep finding myself in the same situation.  I feel like I am always the in between girl.  Like after you break up with the crazy girl (or the long break from dating), but before they get married. I am like the fun girl who gets them out of their shell and into the world and ready to commit, but not to me- to someone else.  I either develop intense friendships with guys where they are always calling me/ wanting to hang out but never make a move.  I inevitibly wind up developing feelings for them.  Then they start dating someone and I get forgotten about. or if it is a guy who I start off dating, by the time I really like them, they dissapear.  I think a lot of guys claim to not like drama, but drama is exciting, and I think I might be too sane.  Also, I don’t know how to let them know I would be interested while still letting them “chase”.  I find myself stepping back from friendships with guys because I wind up always getting hurt.  I dont want to become jaded!  What do you think the problem is? |Age: 32

It sounds like all this could be happening because you’re intentionally seeking out men who are “in between” themselves. If you present yourself as the Good Time Gal Pal, the one who is going to help them get over a heartbreak or forget about a “crazy” ex, then they’re not going to see you as a potential girlfriend. For one, if they’re fresh out of a relationship, they’re probably not looking for anything serious. For two, if you make yourself totally available to these guys and let them talk about their Exes, you’re always going to be in The Friend Zone.

I either develop intense friendships with guys where they are always calling me/ wanting to hang out but never make a move.  I inevitibly wind up developing feelings for them.  Then they start dating someone and I get forgotten about. or if it is a guy who I start off dating, by the time I really like them, they dissapear.

Have you considered the possibility that you’re not as open and available as you think? You’re either dilly dallying with men that, in the past, have proven to never desire a relationship with you OR you’re  holding back with the men that do show interest.Why so guarded?

When I hear someone talk about how they keep dating people who don’t want full on relationships or who don’t return their interest, I assume that person doesn’t really want one either.Once or twice? Okay, that happens. But if this is a consistent pattern and you’re the only common denominator, the issue lies with you. Not them.

You’re doing the right thing by stepping back from men who want to be friends. Those guys are not healthy for you right now. Right now, they’re safe. I don’t think you really want these “friends” to date you. I think you want them to choose you. You want them to anoint you with their seal of approval. By getting them to be interested in you, they’re telling you that you’re better, you’re different, you’re not like other women. Only…you’re not that different. You’re latching on to men that don’t want you, possibly convincing yourself that you care for them. But really, you just want to know you could have them. I think if you finally got one of these guys, you’d lose interest pretty quickly.

I think a lot of guys claim to not like drama, but drama is exciting, and I think I might be too sane.

Umm…I’m guessing that’s not it. I don’t think you’re not not sane. But, see? You’re comparing yourself to these other women. This is why I think that you’re seeking validation from these men and not an actual relationship. This statement doesn’t really even make sense. I mean, really? Men don’t like women who are too sane? Come on. A woman who is “too sane” is a man’s wet dream. The only men who are drawn to “not sane” women are doormats, drama queens and “not sane” themselves. No, this is a lie that women tell themselves to support the inner narrative they have in their head.

You need to address whether or not you actually want a relationship. That’s where you need to start. Until you do you’re going to keep falling in to this pattern.

One Woman’s Brutal “Truth” Behind Why You’re Single

I had a post all ready to go about the beauty of the perfect cock shot. But this article just made me gird my loins in fear. Not crazy about the use of the word Slut to describe women who engage in casual sex. That aside, this article is so god damn spot on and what I’ve been saying for years. These aren’t just reasons why women are having a hard time finding a husband. These are the reasons so many women struggle to find a guy to stick around PERIOD.

But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.

 

1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them.  Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.

2. You’re Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit. {Moxie’s note: I strongly disagree with this point.} Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You’re a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long. That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened.

4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.” You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

5. You’re Selfish.
If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do…

6. You’re Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

See the full article here

YOUR THOUGHTS?

Location, Location, Location

Name: Mike | | Location: Brooklyn , NY |Question: Just was told “thanks but no thanks” today from an online dating prospect because I live in Brooklyn and not in Manhattan (or even better, her neighborhood), and I’m suddenly wondering how bad would it be to put that I live in Manhattan instead of Brooklyn. I certainly could afford to live in Manhattan, and with a second income I could certainly afford to buy in Manhattan(I currently own in Brooklyn). I can’t come up with a single possible valid reason for why a woman should not date a man simply because he lives in Brooklyn. So I can’t come up with a single valid reason for why I should be hurting my options by letting myself be x’d out for such a stupid reason. A woman is not coming to your place till the 4th date at the earliest, and by then she knows she likes you, and by then she’ll no longer think living in Brooklyn is such a big deal. I’d love to hear the peanut gallery chime in on this.

What are some valid reasons why a Brooklyn man is not desirable to a Manhattan woman? Especially when income isn’t an unknown quality as it is displayed in the online dating profile, and the man makes the same amount of money as the woman. Do I really have to be like all these fools who move to Inwood or Harlem just so they can tell people they live in Manhattan and not in Brooklyn? My commute would be an additional 30 minutes if I did so. |Age: 32

Well, my personal experience with this exact situation is this:

Dating a man who lives in Brooklyn is a pain in the ass. Especially when the weather is as brutal as this one has been. The main benefit, for me, for dating someone who lives in Manhattan is because the commute is less arduous and more convenient and we have more time to spend with each other. A 45 minute commute to Brooklyn is made that much longer when you’re shuffling through the streets trying to avoid slush and umbrellas and trudging through these tiny walkways due to snow or construction. By the time I reach my destination, I’m cold and cranky.

If the commute isn’t an issue for you, then focus your search on women who don’t live in Manhattan. This is what gets me about people who complain about people who refuse to date outside of Manhattan. If you see nothing wrong with the time and effort involved with dating someone outside of Manhattan, then why aren’t you doing just that? Why do you insist on dating people in Manhattan? I realize that they comprise a large part of the market on these dating sites. I’m not suggesting you cut your options in half. But if it’s a consistent issue, then change the pond in which you’re fishing.

You’re trying to get me to validate your opinion that all people who refuse to date out of Manhattan are elitist snobs. Sorry. I’m not indulging that. Either move or widen your net. Sure, I’ll agree with you that someone who insists on dating someone in their neighborhood is being entitled and foolish. But that’s their homework to do. Not yours. Stop getting hung up on other people’s specifications.

For all you know, this woman used a bogus excuse to let you down easy. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out her motivation. Move on. Just because you can’t come up with a valid reason why some people choose to date someone more geographically desirable doesn’t mean their reasons are not valid. You don’t know them, you don’t know their lives, what the commute is like, what their schedules are. It’s not up to you to decide what’s valid and what isn’t. You’re absolutely right that if the connection is there, the distance probably won’t  matter. So hone your dating lasers on meeting people who actually want to get to know you and stop trying to make everyone else see your POV.

Plenty of women and men will make that commute. The ones who won’t are of no concern to you. Go out to Brooklyn based events and meet people that way. Meetup.com has a ton of groups that are just for Brooklyn singles and young professionals. You can change your profile to say you live in Manhattan, but I’d make it VERY clear in the body of your profile that you live in Brooklyn. I don’t have a problem with people wanting to get a leg up and get their profile seen by more people (within reason.)  Saying you live in Manhattan is no different than people who put their body type as Athletic or Average when that’s not the case. It’s just about improving your chances. With things being as competitive as they are, I totally get why someone would want to get their profile more exposure. But you need to keep your expectations in check.  In addition to searching for or trying to meet people in Manhattan, put yourself in situations – online and off – where you’re more likely to have success.